Law and Order: HFIL Department
by mg34
Summary: Even Hell needs law and order, and there's only one man caperble of bring it to the streets. Unfortunatly he wasn't avalbile so Cell, Freeza and Goku will have to do... FINISHED!
1. Ram Raiding Home the Issue

Okay folks I'm back with another new story. This one is based off the brief appearance of Cell, Freeza, Cooler and Goku in "Goten and Vegeta". Don't worry if you haven't read it because I'm going to summarise everything here. Basically Cooler, Cell and Freeza are "living" in hell/HIFL (which ever you prefer) between the Cell and Buu saga. The version of hell portrayed here is not quite the same as the one in the anime but all changes that have been made are for the sake of the story. Hell will be use as the places name for most of the story; HFIL was used in the title because it looked better.

**Disclaimer: **Sadly I don't own Dragonball Z or a villa in the south of France, but I'm working on it.

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Law and Order: HFIL Department

Ram Raiding Home the Issue

There is a place in the universe whose horrors defy belief. It is cold, dark, and damp. The grey sky line is scared by the ugly run down buildings which block out the light plunging the streets in to eternal darkness. Among the stench and the rats people wonder in endless torment, receiving the eternal punishment for there actions in life. We are of course talking about the University of Bath campus. However believe it or not there is one place in the universe that is worse, and our story starts with three of its inhabitants trying to escape.

Cell stamped his feet in a desperate attempt to keep warm. It was another one of those days in Hell. The sky was grey and murky and the temperature was just above freezing. A howling wind made sure that it didn't even feel that warm. It was in fact perfect conditions for a gym lesson. Cell wasn't here to play sport however.

In front of him stood the gates of Hell. Infinitely tall and made form hundreds of tons of solid iron they were an impressive sight. No one had ever been though them with out the Kaio's permission. No one that is until today.

"Only a mad man would try to get though those!" said Freeza, standing next to the evil android. Cell looked around a gestured at Cooler sat in a car near by.

"Good job that we have him then isn't it," he said.

"Yeah I guess," said Freeza not sounding completely convinced, "I just wish he would tell us what his plan is."

"You know what your problem is?" said Cell accusingly, "You worry far too much."

"Hey!" snapped Freeza, "I was right about the Saiyans! One of them did become powerful enough to kill me!"

"Well he might have been more lenient had you not blown up his planet!" suggested Cell patronisingly.

"Don't lecture me on what I should and shouldn't have done!" snapped Freeza. "I had an empire to run when I made that decision; you have no idea how much pressure I was under."

"Yes having an entire army to do your work for you must be very tiring!" mocked Cell.

"Oh shut up android," retorted Freeza, "at least I managed to destroy a planet!"

"I destroyed a planet!" protested Cell quickly.

"Yes we were all very impressed about how you managed to blow up eight square feet of rock!" said Freeza sarcastically.

"Hey it was at least thirty two square feet!" declared Cell.

"Sure it was."

"Well at least I didn't…" Cell began desperately thinking of a way to get back at Freeza. However he was interrupted before he could come up with anything.

"Radio's tuned!" declared Cooler proudly. "What should we do now?" Cell and Freeza looked at him.

"I don't know!" said Cell angrily, "You were the one who dragged us all the way out here to escape! We assumed you would know what to do."

"Really," mused Cooler, "Well you should really know better than to make an assumption like that." Cell sighed. Cooler hadn't been quite right ever since he was forcefully separated from the Big Gete Star.

"You deal with him Freeza," he said, "You're much better at it then I am."

"Fine," said Freeza, "but I keep telling you, he's easy to deal with once you get the hang of the gentle approach." Freeza Calmly walked up to Cooler and put his hand on his brother's shoulder. Suddenly he grabbed Cooler by it and threw him to the ground. "Alright you insane clot," he growled, "What's the plan? You better tell me because I'm not coming all this way to freeze my butt off for nothing!"

Cooler, apparently in no pain what so ever, paused to think for a while. After about half a minute his face lit up.

"The plan!" he declared suddenly leaping to his feet, knocking Freeza to the floor in the process. "Oh yes the plan," he continued excitedly, "It's a great plan, it really is."

"Great," said Cell holding on to his temper, "and it is…"

"…Brilliant!" declared Cooler, "get in the car and I'll tell you."

Freeza and Cell did so, mainly because they thought it would be warmer inside. This however was not the case because Cooler had the air conditioning on full! Cell made several attempts to turn it off before giving up and putting on a pair of gloves.

"So what's the plan?" he asked as Cooler climbed into the drivers seat next to him.

"And why dose it smell of rat piss in the back here?" added Freeza.

"It smells of rat piss because of Bob," replied Cooler surprisingly promptly.

"Uh huh," said Freeza quickly scanning the back seats for the aforementioned Bob, "and the plan is?"

"Oh I thought we would just ram the gates," said Cooler seriously. Cell and Freeza laughed.

"Very funny," said Cell, "now what's the plan?"

Cooler ignored him and started the car. With a sequel of tires it accelerated rapidly towards, the gates.

"Yes we get it Cooler," said Cell holding on to the dash board, "you tricked us really well there, now what's the real plan."

"This is the real plan," said Cooler earnestly as the car crashed though the perimeter fencing that surrounded the gate.

"YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!" said Freeza desperately looking for a seat belt, "YOU'LL KILL US ALL!"

"Don't worry," said Cooler, a line Cell always associated with being the signal to start panicking, "I've read a book about ramming things, it's quite simple really. All you have to do is go in slowly backwards, to protect the engine. The first collision should break the gate's lock, and then you can just drive against the gate to push it open. Simple and perfectly safe."

"Well if that's the case," said the still panicking Freeza, "How come we're going in forwards at FULL SPEED!"

"We're going at full speed because it's more fun!" declared Cooler happily, "and we're going in forwards because this is a Porsche 911 so the engines in the back."

"It's not a Porsche 911 you idiot," half snapped, half screamed Cell.

"Oh yeah and what makes you say that?" asked Cooler indignity.

"The fact that it says "Ford Escort" on the back!" the evil Android replied.

"It does?" said a perplexed Cooler. "I'll just go check."

Freeza and Cell watched in horror as Cooler, with out stopping or even slowing the car down, undid his safety belt and climbed out of the widow! He crawled along the side of the car for a few inches before it hit a bump, causing the Icea to fall off and tumble into a ditch. Freeza and Cell stared at the tumbling form behind them, which only a few seconds ago had been driving the car that they were currently occupying. A second later they turned around to look where they were going.

"Uh oh!" said Cell in a some what understated manor as they rapidly approached the gates.

"DO SOMETHING!" screamed Freeza. Cell scrabbled in to the driver's seat and applied the brakes; well actually he applied the clutch, as Cell didn't know how to drive. Not surprisingly this meant that the didn't slow down in time…

A dazed Cell sat up slowly after the crash. He felt like he had just gone another round with Gohan, only this time the kid had seen it fit to hit him with bits of car! Freeza seemed worse off however having taken a rather parabolic flight though the wind screen.

"Remind me never to listen to one of Cooler's plans again," the Icea groaned.

"Good idea," agreed Cell, "that was the stupidest plan ever."

"Yeah, it was…" began Freeza but he his tone of voice changed suddenly, "except that it worked, look!"

Cell, suddenly invigorated with renewed enthusiasm, looked up. Freeza was right, there was a small opening in the gate, a way out, Cell could feel the warmth of the rest of the other world already!

"We're free!" he declared delightedly, "Lets go."

His hopes were dashed before he could even get out of the car, for only moments after he finished speaking the gap was filled by Pikkon.

"Going somewhere?" he asked smugly. Cell and Freeza froze. The Evil Android knew that he only had seconds to respond and that when he did, it had to be good. Eventually he did.

"Thank goodness you're here!" he cried earnestly, "Someone is trying to kill me, they cut my brakes!"

Pikkon gave him an unimpressed look, but someone else squeezed past the green warrior.

"Let me have a look," said an all too familiar voice, "this could be really serious." Goku bent down and looked at the front of the car. "That's funny," he said, "the brakes are the only things that are still working!" he got up and gave Cell a suspicious look.

"Oh really you must be mista- LOOK OVER THERE!" said Cell quickly, amazingly the heroes did, and by the time they had turned round Cell and Freeza had legged it!

* * *

King Yemma banged a humongous hammer against an equally huge gravel. The court quickly fell to silence.

"The Jury has made there verdict very clear," he said, "Cell, Freeza and Cooler have all been found guilty of trying to escape from hell and resisting arrest. In addition Cell has been found guilty of driving with out a licence."

"Oh come on!" said Freeza angrily, "This court isn't fair, I've been involved in the deaths of half the people on that jury. There's no way that they could be impartial!"

"Well Freeza might I suggest that if you had killed less people you would be less like to have them sit on a jury against you!" said King Yemma angrily.

"Well I hardly expected to see them again!" muttered the unhappy Icea. King Yemma ignored him.

"Now I have to pass sentence and since I'm a busy enough ogre as it is with out having to judge you lot, I'm in a particular bad mood!" he said, causing Cell and Freeza to gulp (Coolers was too busy watching an imaginary butterfly to pay attention to what was being said). "Still I might be persuaded to give you three a relatively fair sentence if you can show me you've learn something from this." Cell stood up.

"Well I've learnt that you should never listen to an insane Icea," he said.

"I've learnt that once you have ran from the police you shouldn't try to hide at home, because it's not the last place they would expect you to be," said Freeza.

"And I've learnt that you shouldn't get out of a moving vehicle," said Cooler sounding rather proud of himself.

"I other words you have all you have learnt is how to refine your next escape attempt!" he said bluntly.

"You could say that," said Cell, "although rather disturbingly all those lessons probably could have been derived with a bit of common sense."

"Right that's it!" declared King Yemma angrily. "Since you three insist on being disruptive and make our deaths difficult however many times we put you in prison I have decided that prison is ineffective. Thus I shall punish you in a way that at least makes our deaths easier when you're not trying to escape. I sentence you to one billon hours of community service. Any comments?" He finished banging his hammer down again.

"Just one," said Cell standing up, "Is that a British Billion or an American Billon?"

* * *

Okay folks that's chapter one done. Hoped you liked it. If you did, or if you want to suggest a way that it could be improved, or you want to make a request just let me know by sending me a Review. I intend to update this story once or twice a week but that might vary as I am trying to write two stories at once! Bet with my brother and telling you how it started would lead to me writingthree stories at once and even I'm not that stupid, oh look a butterfly…. 


	2. The Power of Choice

Here we go again. Those of you who have read Goten and Vegeta will know that I like to count my chapters as I go, and this story will be no exception. Thus here is chapter 2…

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The Power of Choice

Cell, Freeza and Cooler wondered into the Grand Library of the other world. Having said this grand really isn't a suitable description of its size. Neither is enormous or even humongous. It was infinitely large, with huge book cases and filing cabinets that seemed to go on forever in every direction. The reason for its size is simple. It was the centre of the entire administration of the after life and the after life took a lot of administration. The building would have taken a heck of a lot of heating too; as a result the powers that be didn't bother…

"It's colder than hell in here," whinged Freeza as they entered.

"Really?" said Cell snapping an icicle off the end of his nose, "I never would have noticed!"

"Oh very funny," snapped Freeza, "come up with that gem all by yourself did you."

"Well it's better then anything you've ever come up with," retorted Cell. "You think the height of humour is calling people with tails monkeys and watching others suffer!"

"Yes but you have to admit that making people suffer is good fun!" pointed out Freeza.

"Point taken," admitted Cell, "Now let's just find the guy who administers community service and get out of here."

"Good idea," said Freeza quickly, "we should ask someone at that desk for directions, or else we'll never find it."

Unfortunately there was a help desk near by. I say unfortunately because when ever you need help in a place like this a help desk is, quite logically the first place you would go. However, because of the way the world works, the very moment anyone ever needs to use a help desk always coincides with the person who is supposed to be working at being on lunch break/ two week vacation in Hawaii. As a result all that Cell and Freeza found was an empty desk and a bell, which a sign laughable suggested that you should ring if you wanted attention. This was of course absolutely no help what so ever, but it didn't stop Cell from ringing the bell for a good half an hour before giving up.

"This is hopless," complained Cell, "How do these guys expect to punish us if we can't find out what our punishment is!"

"Maybe then intend to let us stand around here for the next 114,000 years!" said Freeza sarcastically.

"Oh screw that!" snapped Cell irritably pulling the bell off the desk and throwing it at a passing administrator. The unfortunate ogre was knocked to the ground, dropping the huge pile of papers he was carrying.

"What was that for!" he cried rubbing his head; Freeza grabbed his hand to pick him up.

"Terrible sorry, but my friend here misinterpreted the sign," said Freeza apologetically, "He gets the words "ring" and "Throw at somebody" mixed up very easily, he's a little slow you see."

Cell scoffed indignantly. Freeza ignored him and carried on, "However now since I've got your attention I was wondering if we could ask you a quick question?"

"Sorry," said the ogre officially, "but all questions must be directed to the help des- err sir are you aware that you're twisting my arm?"

"It's only a very simple question," said Freeza still politely, "I just what to know where community service administration is."

"Sorry you have to ask at the AGGGGGHHHH" the ogre "replied".

"You see," said Freeza slyly, "If I knew where it was I could be there rather than here holding your arm!"

"IT'S IN SECTION 639408375934027432721!" screamed the ogre, "NOW PLEASE LET GO!" Freeza did so.

"Thank you," he said, "you've been a great help."

* * *

As its name suggested section 639408375934027432721 was rather a long way from the entrance lobby. Cell and Freeza had to walk down endless rows of files, books and official papers, occasionally they were attacked by the odd giant spider or insane administrator who had been lost among the selves for millenniums but neither obstacle were particular challenging. About a week after they set out they reached section 639408375934027432721, denoted as community service administration by a rusty sign that had fallen off the wall and now lay face down under some boxes.

Freeza and Cell entered cautiously. The place had an eerie feel to it, like a ghost town.

"Hello?" called out Freeza carefully, "Anyone in?" There was a rustling of newspapers and Pizza boxes near by, suddenly an ogre burst out of the pile.

"Who-who's there!" he asked sleepily, before noticing Cell and Freeza. "Oh, what do you want?"

"Hello, Mr," Cell paused to read the man's name tag, "Err… Freely…"

"Why don't you say my whole name?" suggested Mr Freely keenly.

"Because I'm not dumb enough to fall for that stupid trick!" snapped Cell.

"Okay then, you're here for Community service right?" said Freely.

"Well why else would we be in this dump?" snapped Cell.

"Okay so bearing in mind I get to decide what you two will be doing for the next billon hours you might want to be a little more cooperative," suggested Freely. Freeza gave Cell a nudge;

"Say his name or else we could be cleaning sewers!" he hissed. Cell sighed in a resigned manor.

"Very well, we'll cooperate, Mr I Freely Admit That I Am An Idiot!" mumbled Cell. Freely's laughter was much louder.

"Oh that never grows old," he said cheerfully. Cell sighed wondering why he hadn't simply use I.P. Eventually Freely stopped laughing.

"Right I guess you better get some community service," he said, "all the different jobs are in a pile over there." Cell and Freeza looked at the pile incredibly tall pile of papers.

"Err… we were told you would be selecting one for us," said Cell who had little intention of wading though all those papers.

"That's true," admitted Freely, "but I can't be bothered to get up, and the only community service I can reach from my desk is snake way litter collection, so either you can have that or chose your own…."

* * *

"How about out reach to the elderly," suggested Freeza, "there aren't that many old people in hell."

"Haven't you heard of the saying only the good die young!" pointed out Cell, "the place is full of them, just they never go out! They spend there time demanding things off people who were unlucky enough to die young."

"Oh right," said Freeza chucking the sheet to one side, "hey, how come you know so much about old people in hell?"

"Well after I got thrown in hell I felt a little guilty so I tried to make up for it by volunteering for wheels on meals," Cell explained.

"Oh, how long did that last?" asked Freeza curiously.

"About two hours, then one too many old ladies shouted at me…" Cell paused, "any way I haven't felt guilty since!"

Freeza nodded and carried on flicking through the files. Soon pest control, street sweeper, building painter, graffiti washer and school teacher joined out reach to the elderly on the discarded pile. This was of course among roughly three thousand others. Eventually Freeza snapped.

"I can't take this anymore!" he declared, "There isn't one decent job in here!"

"Of course there aren't any decent jobs," said Cell dejectedly, "there supposed to be punishments; we just have to find the least horri- hang on a sec!" Cell quickly read the sheet in his hand. His face lit up; "Look at this" he said eagerly, "look at this, read it!"

"It's kind of hard to read it with you waving it in my face like that!" growled Freeza finally managing to snatch the sheet off Cell. He quickly skim read it. Once he had finished he looked at Cell quizzically.

"Law enforcement? What's so good about that?" he asked.

"Have you read it?" asked Cell, "It's perfect; we get to tell people what to do! We can legally beat people up,"

"Only criminals," pointed out Freeza.

"It's hell, everyone is a crook!" said Cell, "And if we're crooked we could get rich off bribes and stuff!"

"I don't know," said Freeza cautiously, "It says here we'll have a good guy supervising us, there's no way that he'll let us take bribes!"

"He won't be there all the time!" said Cell, "so we can make our money while he's off duty!"

"I guess," said Freeza who was beginning to come round to the idea.

"And the best is yet to come!" declared Cell, "It says here that if we solve a big enough crime we'll be let off early!"

"It does?" Freeza quickly read it again. "That's brilliant!" he said, "I think we have a winner!"

"So do I," agreed Cell, picking up a bucket of water. "Let's go wake up Mr Freely…"

As Cell and Freeza through the water over Mr Freely, nether of them paused to wonder why, if Law enforcement was such a great job, it was put in community service as a punishment.

* * *

Cell and Freeza found the journey back to the lobby much easier than the journey too section 639408375934027432721 had been. So much so, in fact, that it took them only four days this time. Of course by the time they had got to the car park the parking meter had well and truly expired and their car had been towed away and crushed, so they walked home instead.

Eventually they reached their front door.

"Ah there's no place like home," said Freeza happily. He opened the door expecting to see their damp, but relatively tidy living room. In stead the place looked like a land fill!

"What on Hell happened here!" exclaimed Freeza. Cell walked past him looking among the rubble for something. Eventually he reached into a particularly large heap of rubbish and pulled out Cooler.

"Hello guys," their insane flat mate said cheerfully, "did you have fun ringing the bell?"

"What happened here?" demanded Cell "and for that matter where did you go after we entered in to the library?"

"I got board of watching you ring that bell," explain Cooler, "and as it didn't seem like you were going to give me a go I went to sort out my community what's it."

"So how come we didn't see you in Section 634- whatever, then?" asked Cell irritably.

"Oh I went to the I.T. suite and did it all on line, it only took five minutes," explained Cooler, "then I went to see if you had finished with the bell yet, but as you hadn't I decided to go home."

"WHAT!" exclaimed Freeza and Cell in chorus.

"I WENT TO THE…" Cooler began, but shut up when Cell hit him. Cooler's speech jumped like a jogged CD. "…o I chose Law Enforcement," he announced proudly as a result.

"Wait a second," said Freeza, "You chose Law Enforcement too, why?"

"Because I like the idea of having a really shiny badge!" declared Cooler happily.

"So what's with all the rubbish?" asked Cell, "You didn't try to tidy up did you?"

"Rubbish?" said Cooler blankly, "This isn't rubbish, these are the gifts people have been giving me ever since I told them that I was going to be a police officer!"

"Oh," said Freeza looking at all the bricks and broken bottles. "I think I've just come up with a flaw in your plan, Cell."

"Oh don't worry about it," declared Cell, "None of the small time thugs around here could threaten us, we'll make them pay for this later. Right now I'm going to get something to eat."

Cell calmly walked through the rubbish to the Kitchen door. As soon as he touched it the door fell off it's hinges revealing the burnt out shell of their kitchen. Freeza and Cell blinked, before turning to glare at Cooler. Cooler stared blankly at them. Suddenly something clicked.

"Did I mention that I tried to bake a cake?" he asked.

* * *

North Kio picked up the telepathic signals being sent to him, they appeared to be from King Yemma.

"Hello Yemma," he said, well not exactly said but you know what I mean, "what can I do for you to day?"

"Hello King Kio," Yemma said respectfully, "I need your help on something, I've just found out what Cell, Freeza and Cooler have chosen for community service." North Kio pause for thought, wondering why Yemma would talk to him about this, then he clicked and immediately burst out laughing.

"You can't be serious!" he chuckled, "they chose that!"

"Yup!" said King Yemma happily, "clearly no one told them what happened to the last guys who chose that as there community service!"

"How could they!" said North Kio trying to hold in his laughter, "we don't know what happened to them either!" he finished bursting in to hysterics.

"Yes… we never did find out," said Yemma once he had finished laughing. "Anyway we need a good guy to work with them, on the off chance they do catch any criminals, someone loyal, enthusiastic and tough so he can survive any scrapes they might get into." North Kio smiled. "I have just the guy…"

* * *

Okay folks hope you enjoyed that chapter. There are no prizes for guessing who North Kio is talking about as it can only be one guy can't it. Anyway I called all of the other world's administrator's ogres in that chapter but I'm not sure it was quite the right thing to do, so if you know of a better name please let me know. If you have any other comments or suggestions please send me a review and let me know! Or you could always visit your nearest help desk…. 


	3. Guys with Guns

Chapter 3 folks and you finally get to see who our heroes, or should that be villains, get to work with, as if you haven't guessed it already.

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Guys with Guns

Crime never sleeps. It's a fact. Today there won't be a single moment when a crime wasn't committed, why by the time that you've finished reading this sentence six cars will have been stolen in the UK alone. Carefully planned crimes can take place under the cover of darkness, or opportunistic crimes can take place in board day light. But there is no reason to lock the door and hide under the bed for the police never sleep either. Unless of course you live in hell of course, in which case I advise you stock up with supplies first…

Cell woke up with a start, trying to identify the source of the annoying ringing in his ears. First he did what any reasonable person would do and savagely assaulted his alarm clock. After he had made sure that it could never make a noise again he realised that it couldn't be the source of the incessant ringing. Fortunately the rush of blood required to destroy his alarm clock had also got his brain working again. As a result he finally realised that it was the door bell. Cell got up and went to answer the door. As he went to the door he was joined by Freeza who had also been woken up.

"Who do you reckon it is?" the former dictator asked.

"I don't know," said Cell, "But who ever it is has some nerve waking us up at," he looked at the clock, "one in the afternoon…" he finished with all the wind taken out of his sails.

"I know it's outrageous!" snapped Freeza with genuine anger, "back when I was emperor no one ever got me up till 3pm, at the earliest."

"Well with a workaholic like you in charge it's no wonder the empire collapsed with out you!" said Cell sarcastically.

"Just open the door," growled Freeza. Cell went to the door,

"It's probably the kio's representative, coming round to get us started," said Cell before he opened it.

"Oh you mean Goku," said Freeza coolly. Cell pause.

"What makes you think that it will be Goku?" he asked.

"Well he's just he kind of person the Kio's who run this place would pick," said Freeza. "You know just to get on our nerves and rub it in our faces."

"Don't be ridicules;" said Cell, "the Kios are good level headed beings who are above the petty revenges of mortals, that's why there so easy to take advantage of. Their fat arrogant heads will tell them to choose a detective of some sort, the kind of person who might make this police force work, it defiantly won't be Goku."

"I bet you five quid it's him," said Freeza.

"Done," said Cell quickly and opened the door.

"Hi Ce-" began Goku. Cell quickly slammed the door shut.

"You know," he said sounding rather hurt "my faith in the goodness of the Kio's has just been severally shaken."

"Just give me my five quid," said Freeza. Cell reluctantly obliged.

* * *

A few minutes later Goku, Cell and Freeza sat in what was left of the kitchen having a cup of some sort of brown liquid which was just about passable as coffee.

"So you're our Kio representative," mussed Cell, "any particular reason why they choose you?"

"I would like to think that it's because my forgiving nature allows me to work with the likes of you," said Goku cheerfully. "However I do have a sneaking suspicion that is because they reckon it would really annoy you."

"Yeah we thought of that one too," said Cell.

"Well I don't care why they gave me the job," said Goku in a determined voice, "or why you are doing the job. We've been told to bring law and order to hell so that's what we're going to do."

"Right monkey," said Freeza, "that's exactly the kind on sentiment that's going to really get on my nerves."

"Oh come on guys," said Goku still sounding determined, "can't you see that this is the kind of thing that could make hell a much better place for everyone. With a bit of work we could make a real difference here."

"Now this is why where in hell Goku," said Cell, "We've never wanted to make other people's lives better."

"Well do it to make your own lives better," declared Goku, changing tack, "surely you must be affected by crime here in some way."

"No," said Cell proudly, "everyone's too afraid to do anything to us!" Just then a brick flew though the window, hitting Cell on the head and flooring the evil android in one blow.

"Take that you jerk!" declared a voice from outside, followed by the sound of laughing and running away. Cell picked him self back up.

"I guess we could give it a go," he said trying to regain his composure.

"Great," said Goku cheerfully, "let's go to the police station and kit up for our first patrol! It will be fun!"

"Dose this mean that we get to play with police stuff!" asked Cooler bursting into the kitchen.

"Cooler you are not allowed in the kitchen!" snapped Freeza...

* * *

The police station hadn't been used for many many many many…. (I think you get the picture)… years. It lay in a steady state of decay behind a crumbling brick wall and a pair of rusty gates. In front of these gates stood the newly formed HIFL police force, with Goku fumbling though the keys.

"Darn it king kio," he muttered under his breath, "you said these things were labelled." Goku took a close look at the set of seemingly identical keys. To be fair he could see that they had once been labelled, however due millennia of rubbing and being left in a damp draw the ink that had once been written on the sticky labels was now long gone.

"I don't think we need to bother with the keys," said Freeza.

"Oh no," began Goku, "we're not going to break in to our own police station, one of these keys will fit in the pad lock." To prove his point the Saiyan Warrior pushed one of the keys into the rusty pad lock. This was quite a shock for the ancient pad lock, which had not been used since dinosaurs roamed the earth, and it promptly fell into two crumbly pieces in protest.

"Hmm," mused Goku, "that's not a very effective lock, oh well there's bound to be a spare one inside, lets go." Our hero pushed the gates open carefully. However not even a bomb disposal expert could have done it carefully enough. The gates instantly rocked back fell onto the ground, taking a surprising amount of the wall on either side with it. The group stared at the gates in a state of shock.

"What do you reckon the probability of there being a spare set of gates inside is?" asked Cell mockingly. Had he had a temper like Vegeta's, Goku would have hit him.

* * *

It turned out to be even harder to find a reason to be optimistic in side. Firstly all the windows and doors had been boarded up, which didn't make accessing the place any easier. Once they had finally found away in, (Cell had created a new door way), they had found a place so derelict and squalled that even the cockroaches had moved out. Goku's feat squelched on the rotting wooden floor as he pushed his way though the cobwebs in the dark entrance hall.

"Owww!" someone shouted near by. Goku swung around.

"Was that you Freeza?" he asked, "Are you okay?"

"Yes I'm fine," the ex emperor replied, "That's why I said owww."

"You do know that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," said Goku defensively.

"Well I hope you know," began Freeza angrily, "that Monkeys are the lowest form of AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"What's and aaaahhhhhhh?" asked Cooler as Goku ran over to the point where Freeza had been standing, and not entirely coincidently, the floor had just given way.

"I'm going to guess that you're not okay," said Goku looking down in to the blackness.

"I told him to lay off the snacks," said Cell disapprovingly, "but would he listen, nooooo."

"Shut up and get some rope," snapped Freeza.

"Why can't you just fly out?" asked Goku.

"Because I've got my leg stuck!" snapped Freeza getting more and more irritated.

"Maybe you could see better with a bit more light," suggested Cell powering up a ki ball. "Here catch." Cell through the ball into the darkness. It lit up the area slightly for a few moments, but promptly vanished accompanied by an:

"OW!" from Freeza, "You did that on purpose!" he whined.

"No I don't think he did that on purpose," said Goku powering up his own ki ball, "This is what it would have looked at if he had done it on purpose." Goku fired his, much larger ki ball, hitting Freeza right between the eyes, causing him to scream again.

"I didn't know you had it in you," mused Cell.

"Well I thought I would get it to the sprit of things," said Goku cheerfully, "But I think Freeza still needs some more light."

Cell and Goku quickly resumed there tormenting of Freeza, this time with multiple ki blasts. Freeza was not really taking it very well either.

"I'll get you for this," he screamed over the din. Cell laughed.

"How are you going to get us," he mocked, "when you're down there and we're up herrrrreeeeee."

Goku and Cell crashed onto the floor, admittedly it was the same piece of floor that they had been standing on a few moments a go, just it was no longer attached to what was now the ceiling.

"I guess I deserved that," mused Goku, "funny how pride always comes before a fall isn't it."

"Yes," agreed Cell, "although it's not so funny when it was clearly assisted!" he finished angrily.

"I don't know what you mean," said Freeza innocently trying to hide an energy disc behind his back.

"Oh yeah," snapped Cell, advancing on Freeza, "perhaps I should enlighten you!" Goku began to protest that this wasn't getting them any where but he needn't have bothered, as Cell was knocked to the ground by Cooler jumping into the pit!

"Why did you do that?" demanded the furious android.

"Everyone else had fallen in," said Cooler quietly, "I didn't want to be left out."

Cell through the insane creature off him and got up. The only reaction this got from Cooler was a glee full cry of;

"Weeeeee," followed by a loud bang as he crashed in to a locker!

"What did you do that for!" snapped Goku, beginning to lose his patience, "we've been in here for five minutes and were already trying to kill each other and smash up our own base! It's not exactly the best start to a career in Law enforcement is it?"

"No," agreed Cell, "But who can blame us, he's a lunatic and this place is a complete dump. There are bus shelters built better than this!"

"Yes," said Freeza in a surprisingly satisfied voice picking up something that had fallen out of the locker, "but one man's trash is another man's treasure…"

* * *

Goku and Cell carried the last of the lockers out in to the car park. No one had wanted to spend any more time inside the police station and this was the stuff that really mattered. The lockers you see where full three of the four things all policemen need, uniforms, badges and guns! (This was with the exception of one of the lockers which was full of Cooler busy pretending that it was a canoe, and singing "Row row row your boat" while he was at it.) Freeza held one of the guns in his hand now.

"Wow," he mussed, "I never realised how power full holding a gun makes you feel," he said. Cell and Goku looked at him.

"You could produce energy balls powerful enough to destroy planets!" exclaimed Goku.

"Yes but that never made me look this cool!" declared Freeza, spinning the pistol around on the end of his figure. "I would like to see Trunks kill me now," he declared, before attempting to slide the gun into his hand. He missed, dropping the gun. It hit the floor, bounced once, twice and the third time it fired! Everyone jumped, not being used to the sound of gun shots. Fortunately the only thing it hit was Cooler's "canoe".

"Oh no I've sprang a leek," Cooler cried, before standing up and saluting.

"What are you doing?" asked Cell.

"A good captain always goes down with his ship!" declared Cooler proudly, Goku cringed.

"Err… why don't you find some where we can store this stuff out of the rain Cooler," he suggested.

"Okay," said Cooler happily, before prancing off like a gazelle, going "Moo" as he went.

"Okay that'll keep him busy!" said Goku, "now lets sort out some uniforms and err… what are you doing Freeza?" Freeza looked at him sheepishly as he put another layer of duck tap on the weapons crate.

"I've decided that we can do with out guns you know," he said.

The uniforms went much better then Goku had expected, at first anyway. It didn't take him long to find one which fitted. Freeza didn't prove that much of a problem either as hell was equipped to deal with many different species. They even found one that would fit Cooler when/ if he came back. Cell proved to be more of a problem.

"Well the trousers look good," said Goku optimistically, "and this shirt does go over the wings."

"Yes as long as you stand up straight all day you will be fine," added Freeza.

"Okay," said Cell, bending down to pick up his helmet, and promptly ripping the shirt in the process. "Yeah this isn't really very practical," he said, "can't I work with out a shirt on? It would be much easier."

"But you need some wear to put your badge," protested Goku, "or else how would anyone know that you're a police officer."

"The helmet might be a bit of a give away," pointed out Cell.

"I've had a thought," said Freeza. He rummaged in a pile of clothes and pulled out a scarf. He tossed it to Cell. "Stick your badge on that." He said.

Cell wrapped the scarf around his neck and clipped his badge to in. That done he proceeded to "admire" himself a puddle.

"I look like a complete burke," he declared after some careful consideration.

"Trust me Cell," said Goku, "no the only piece of clothing that does you a favour is a balaclava."

"Oh great," said Cell sarcastically, "I'm getting fashion tips from someone who thinks orange and blue go together!"

"They d-" began Goku but before he could finish he was knocked over by someone jumping on his back. It was Cooler.

"I've found it, I've found it!" he declared proudly.

"You've found somewhere-" Goku began but was interrupted again.

"Come see it will keep everything dry!" Cooler declared running off.

"It's probably a lake," said Cell as they gave chase. Eventually they caught up with there hyperactive colleague next to a garage. Cooler was proudly pointing through the open door.

"Look," he said, "we can keep it in this squad car!"

"Or alternatively," suggested Freeza patiently, "we can store the stuff in the garage and use the squad car for transport!" Cooler looked at him,

"What are you mad!" he said. Goku quickly stepped in.

"Err… thanks Cooler why don't you find us some coffee now," he suggested, Cooler beamed and ran off leaving the sane members of the group to look at the car.

"Wow, now we really are a police force," said Goku, "all the great police men had there own cars, Starsky and Hutch had there Ford Torino, Inspector Morse had his Mark 2 Jag, and Sherlock Holmes had er… well you know what I mean" he petered off.

"So what do we have?" asked Freeza keenly. Cell wondered around to the back of the car to have a look.

"A Nissan Sunny," he declared. Goku paused and had another look at the car.

"Maybe we would be better off storing things in it," he said…

* * *

Right chapter 3 is done but I have nothing funny to say in this authors note…Who Cheered? Anyway same review criteria as always I would love to here for all of you, especially if you own, or know someone who owns a Nissan Sunny. 


	4. Your Friendly Neighbourhood Policeman

Here's Chapter 4, sorry that it's late I had an internet problem just as I was going to put it up. It's always the way isn't it, well not always but you know what I mean. Any way it's here now. Oh and apparently I've been blocking anonymous reviews with out realising it! Well that's been fixed now so you can review with out logging in if you want, (I hope anyway).

* * *

Your Friendly Neighbourhood Policeman

It took some time to turn the garage in to something that, with a bit of imagination, could be called an office. Doing this basically consisted of moving the car out side, moving the lockers and a desk inside and finishing off with whipping up enough dust to fill a truck. However once the sign declaring the garage as the new Police Station had been hung up everyone realised that it had all been a complete waste of time.

"No ones ever going to find us back here!" said Freeza, "you can't see it from the road!"

"Well perhaps people who park their cars here will spot it and spread the word," suggested Goku gesturing to the surrounding garages.

"That seems unlikely," said Cell, "considering that these are long term storage garage, no one can have been to any of these for at least fifty years!"

Goku looked around at the other garages, each one must have had decades of leaves and mud piled up in front of there doors.

"Looks like you're probably right," agreed Goku, saying what he was thinking.

"Yes," said Cell happily, "nothing we can do about it though. We'll just have to sit back here and play cards for the next one hundred and fourteen thousand years," he said magically producing a pack of cards from his pocket. "Anyone for poker?"

"I'm always up for poker!" said Freeza sitting down opposite Cell, "Shall we play five card draw, with twisted nickel leg, aces medium to low and max raise of two nickels and a farthings?" Cell looked at him.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked.

"I don't know," said Freeza sulkily, "I just wanted to sound like a poker expert. Like people do on the telly."

"Let's just play shall we," said Cell dealing the cards. Goku stepped in.

"Oh no," he said severally, or as severally as Goku could manage, "you two weren't assigned this job to sit around playing cards, where going to go out there and fight crime."

"How," said Freeza, "no one's going to call us because no one knows that we exist!"

"That doesn't stop us going on patrol," pointed out Goku, "and we can put these posters up while we're at it."

"You made posters!" exclaimed Cell snatching one of them off the Saiyan.

"Well Chi-Chi always used to tell me to think ahead," said Goku proudly, "so I took her advice prepared them just in case a situation like this arose."

"You never listened to her when she told you not to fight," muttered Freeza. "If you had I would be the immortal ruler of the universe and I wouldn't be stuck in this piss ridden hell whole playing cards with a giant cockroach and a monkey!" he suddenly looked up at his companions.

"Did I say that out loud?" he asked innocently.

Cell threw a paper weight at him before turning his attention to the poster. It read:

**Need Help in a Hurry?**

**Are you Being Attacked or Robbed?**

**Are You or is Someone Near to You a Murder Victim?**

**If so Then Help is at hand with the Newly Reformed **

**HIFL Police Force**

**Simply call:**

**01303 718 691 379 740**

Cell looked at Goku, who was smiling expectantly,

"Very good," he said, "There just one tiny flaw."

"What?" asked Goku?

"The number," explained Cell, "how is anyone supposed to remember that in an emergency? It's far too long; shouldn't it be something simple like 911 or 999?"

"Yeah, but those numbers are expensive to get" said Goku, "and in case you haven't noticed this is a low budget operation. Anyway people will remember the number eventually."

"Fine," said Cell "what's the number?"

"It's 01303 608 543 129" said Goku quickly, "see it will be fine."

"Yes it would be, if that was the right number!" snapped Cell. Goku stared at him in disbelief.

"But that was the right number!" he said showing Cell another one of the posters, "See!" Cell blinked, and then rapidly started looking at the other posters. He quickly came to a rather unfortunates conclusion.

"Goku," he said bluntly, "None of these posters have the same number on them." Goku looked at the posters himself.

"I new that guy at the poster shop wasn't paying attention!" he said throwing the posters down in frustration.

"Oh well," said Freeza, who had picked himself up by now, "I guess we can't go on patrol then."

"Of course we can still go on patrol," said Goku, "I'm not going to let some messed up posters stop that! We are going to start as we mean to go on!"

"What, we mean to go on printing mistake ridden posters," said Freeza smugly. Goku glared at him and picked up the paper weight.

"Just get in the car!" he said.

"Huh I thought you were nice," grumbled Freeza heading for the Car. Goku ignored him and turned to Cell.

"You too," he ordered.

"Sorry Goku," said Cell calmly, "but I mean to go on playing cards." Goku was just about to tell Cell what he intended to do with those cards when Cooler returned.

"I've got the coffee!" he declared happily with a steaming tea pot in his hand, "Where do you want it?"

"Right here," said Cell absentmindedly pointing to his chest. Cooler looked perplexed for a moment. However after a brief shrug he proceeded to pour the tea on the exact point where Cell had pointed. The android screamed as the boiling liquid hit his chest and leap to his feat.

"Glad to see you've regained your enthusiasm Cell," said Goku calmly guiding the hysterical android to wards the Sunny, "but could you just stop screaming. Police patrols are meant to help people relax. I don't think screaming is really going to help achieve that."

"Ah don't worry about it;" said Freeza smugly, "he could be our siren."

* * *

Like all major urban areas hell has rough neighbourhoods, the one place in town where most of the robberies, fights, murders and drug abuse takes place. The police are rarely made welcome in these parts; they are seen as oppressors or meddlers who break the gang controlled balance of power that exists in these areas. Never the less it was on of these areas that Goku had chosen for the HIFLPD's first patrol. Mainly because the only alternative to a rough neighbourhood was a rougher neighbourhood…

Our heroes confidently marched down the streets like the well organised crime prevention force they were. Well Goku marched, Cooler more sort of skipped with a huge smile on his face, Freeza walked glaring at anyone who dared look at him and Cell plodded at the back. However they where moving like the well organised crime prevention force that they weren't so the original statement was almost right.

"Good morning!" Goku said to everyone they past. Most of them glared at him and his halo, others said; "Piss off," and the most unpleasant people they met would spit at them. The first person who did this regretted it shortly afterwards because Cooler enthusiastically spat back. So much so that the man was soaked by the time Goku had persuaded him to stop.

"You too could help," he had exclaimed at Cell and Freeza as he wrestled the latter's older brother to the floor.

"Oh come on!" said Cell angrily, "That guy deserved it, he spat at us."

"Yes but as a good Police force we have to be above that sort of thing," said Goku determinedly, "besides it's not against the law to spit at a police officer."

"Actually it is," said Freeza who was busy reading a book called "the laws of hell",

"It also says here and we're allowed to beat up anyone who does it." He finished proudly

"It does not say that!" said Goku getting up to look in the book. "Oh," he said after having a look, "it does, well I guess you guys better enforce tha…" he looked up upon hearing the sound of screaming a thumping.

"Already taken care of," said Cell proudly beating the man to a pulp. Goku looked though the book for a bit longer. Eventually it dawned on him.

"Hang on a second, this book is hand written," he said suspiciously, "and the ink isn't even dry yet!"

He looked up to see Cell and Freeza let the man go.

"Well he won't do that again in a hurry," said Freeza proudly. Goku glared at him. "What?" asked Freeza innocently.

"Nothing," said Goku slyly, "you just look a bit thirsty that's all. Cooler why don't you get him some coffee…"

* * *

"We've been going for hours," complained Freeza a few hours later, "can't we have a break."

"We can't stop," said Goku determinedly, "what if there's a crime going on just around the next corner."

"You've said that for the last two hours," snapped Freeza, "and we haven't seen a single crime yet…"

"Ah ha," said Goku triumphantly, "so you admit that looking funny at and walking past a police man aren't crimes either. I knew it!"

"Darn I thought the printed book might have fooled you," muttered Freeza. "Anyway a five minute break can't hurt can it?"

"What's the matter Freeza?" mocked Cell, "all this walking too much for you? No wonder you lost to Goku."

"Actually I think this would be a good place to stop," said Goku after some though, "I'm hungry and we can get something to eat in the convenience store over there."

"Thank you," gasped Freeza happily, but the time that he took to make that simple gesture was enough for Goku, Cell and Cooler to collapse into the nearest bench.

"Since your still up Freeza," said Cell smugly, "could you go get us something to eat?"

Freeza glared at them as he received orders for a chocolate bar, a bunch of bananas and a doorstop. Angrily he stormed over to the shop and went inside. As he went down the isle he proceeded to pick out the smallest chocolate bar, blackest bananas and a doorstop to give to his colleagues. This wasn't too hard because everything is small, rotten or a doorstop in hell, especially in the convenience stores. Presently he reached the check out.

"That will be $60.99 please," said the clerk blandly as she chewed her gum.

"What for this junk!" snapped Freeza for whom this was the last straw, "Look at it you clot, there's so much rubbish in this store you should pay me to take in away!"

"Sooorrrryy!" snapped the clerk who clearly wasn't, "but that's how much it costs, so pay up or push off!"

"Darn you," grumbled Freeza as he reached into his pocket for his wallet. As he did so someone pushed past him.

"Put all the money in this paper bag!" the man barked pushing a gun into the clerk's face.

"Excuse me!" snapped Freeza, "but I was here first!"

"Oh yeah and what are you going to do about it?" asked the Gun man rudely.

Freeza had spent his entire life as a powerful and feared person, so if there was one thing he couldn't stand it was strangers who thought they were tough being rude to him. As a result the former evil dictator had the sudden desire to do his job…

* * *

Cell sat on the bench resting his sore feet. He ideal wondered how long it would take Freeza to get back with his food. Knowing how expensive convenience stores where the clerk was probably busy chopping one of Freeza's arms' off so he could pay for it. What he didn't expect was an armed robber to fly though one of the windows. He was follow shortly afterwards by Freeza who landed on the man's back and proceeded to hit him over and over again. Cell and co leap to there feat and ran over to the site of the action.

"What are you doing?" demanded Goku as they joined the crowd that was forming around the beating.

"This jerk push ahead of me to rob that store," snapped Freeza, "so I'm giving him what he deserves!"

"Good work Freeza," exclaimed Goku delightedly, "you foiled a robbery. You've caught our first criminal!"

"I have?" said Freeza, "wow and I though you couldn't arrest people for being rude to police officers!"

"Wait a second," said someone in the crowd "Is that Freeza as in Lord Freeza who used to blow up planets?"

"Speaking!" said Freeza proudly, "and who might you be?" The guy in the crowd hit him!

"You blew up my planet you jerk!" he barked. Freeza was about to respond when he was hit by another punch.

"You blew up mine too!" the person responsible for it said.

"Woe woe woe!" said Goku stepping in, "Come on guys he just stopped a robber, doesn't that show that he's changed for the better."

"Changed shanged!" said another person, "I want revenge and I'll be darned if I'm going to be lecture to by a Saiyan!"

"Yeah!" said someone else, "Let's get them!

"Wai-" began Goku, but he couldn't get anything else out before the crowd piled on top of him.

Cell and Cooler stepped back and watched the brawl develop in front of them. Cell was pretty sure Goku and Freeza would be okay. Rather a lot of the mob attacking them was going flying to prove it. However it was a rather large mob. Cooler's "thoughts" were on other things.

"I blew up planets too!" he declared jumping in to the brawl, "beat me up!"

Cell stood back and watched more people enter into the brawl. Eventually someone stopped beside him.

"Hey weren't you with those guys a second a go," he said aggressively.

"No I wasn't." Cell replied quickly, with no intention of being bundled.

"But you're dressed just like them!"

"Just a coincidence," said Cell mentally cursing his uniform, "I have no idea who those guys are!"

"No I saw you!" said someone else, "you are one of them aren't you!"

"No I swear on my own grave that I don't know them!" said Cell angrily, "can't you people get that into your thick heads!"

Just then a cock crowed twice. Cell paused for thought for a moment as the small group glared at him.

"Excuse me a sec," said Cell calmly waling away, "I'm a keen bird watcher you see and I've never see that particular bread of roster before…"

* * *

Okay folks hope you enjoyed that. Now if you want more information on the modern marvel of edible doorstops then you can order a copy of my book, "Cook your Own Doorstop", available at one or two low quality book shops. 


	5. The Bill

Chapter 5 folks and I've decided that it's about time that I expanded the plot. Or created a plot at least.

* * *

The Bill

Cell looked up from the desk as the door of the Police Station (or garage depending on how much you trusted the sign out side) swung open.

"Good evening Freeza," he said as his batter co-worker entered the "office". Freeza was in no mood for pleasantries.

"Where the heck where you?" he demanded grabbing Cell round the neck, "We could have done with your help back there you know!"

"I went to get back up," lied Cell, "It was only when I got back here that I remembered that we didn't have any back up so I sat here and waited for you to come back."

"Yeah right, you ran away like the cowardly bug you are!" snapped Freeza.

"Tell me Freeza," asked Cell calmly, "are you actually capable of coming up with an insult that doesn't involve comparing someone with an animal?" Freeza paused for thought.

"No bird brain," he replied, "but at least I didn't leave my co-workers to be killed by an angry mob!"

"Didn't you blow up an entire planets worth of people who worked for you?" pointed out Cell.

"That's neither here nor there," snapped Freeza, "The point is…"

"That we made 459 arrests!" interrupted Goku cheerfully entering the room. He was just as battered as Freeza, but in a considerably better mood. "I think that's pretty good going for the first day."

"You arrested everyone who attacked you!" exclaimed Cell slightly shocked.

"Well some tried to run away," said Goku, "but fortunately Cooler is ace with a lasso!"

"Hi ho Skippy, AWAY!" shouted Cooler as he race by the door wearing a cowboy hat and riding an imaginary kangaroo. Cell watched him for a moment before turning back to Goku.

"So what did you charge them with anyway?" he asked.

"Drunken disorderly behaviour," said Goku quickly. Cell blinked.

"Shouldn't that be Assaulting a Police Office," said Cell.

"Yes but I can't spell Assaulting," said Goku.

"Fortunately there was some liquor in the convenience store," explained Freeza, "so we rigged up a breathalyser machine, filled it with alcohol and what do you know, they all turned out to be drunk!"

"Very good," said Cell, "but isn't Drunken Disorderly Behaviour even harder to spell?"

"No it isn't because you can do it by sounds," said Goku proudly, "Listen, dr-unk-en dis-ord-er-ly be-hey-vour."

"Yes Goku, well done," said Cell with a sigh. Goku looked at the clock.

"Gee is that the time," he said, "I better be off, King Kio is making me write a report on how every day goes so I better get beck to heaven. See you guys tomorrow." And with that the Saiyan hurried out of the garage.

"Good riddance," said Freeza as soon as he had gone; "now we can finally get around to all that cashing in you said we could do."

"Yep," declared Cell happily, "tonight is going to be the best night we've had for a long time." Just then Goku reappeared in the room.

"I almost forgot," he said apologetically, "some one needs to guard the police station to make sure the prisoners don't escape tonight. Right see you tomorrow." And with that he disappeared again.

"Darn it," moaned Freeza, "One of us will have to stay here." Cell nodded before Freeza continued, "And it's going to be you by the way. You owe me for this afternoon."

"Why?" asked Cell, "How can I help it if all the people you killed are pissed with you, it's not my fault."

"Well you're hardly the Dali lama yourself!" snapped Freeza, "hang on a second, how come you're never attacked by anyone you killed."

"Because everyone I killed got wished back to life," said Cell, "Except Goku and he's just too darn nice to take petty revenge like that."

"Some people get all the luck!" whined Freeza.

"It doesn't matter now any way," said Cell, "because I've just work out how we can both go out."

"Oh really," said Freeza sounding interested, "How?"

"Couldn't be simpler," said Cell slyly before calling out, "Oh Cooler…."

* * *

A few hours later Cell and Freeza where enjoying a large helping of lobster and caviar. The gleefully manager watched them tuck in.

"You have made an excellent choice gentlemen," he declared proudly, "it is very difficult to find food of such quality in this place you know. I have to charge so much that few people can afford it and I feared that it might go to waste, it is very pleasing to see that I'm wrong."

"Well money is no object here," declared Cell. The manager smiled.

"I am so please to here it," he said with dollar signs in his eyes, "enjoy your meal."

"He seemed nice," said Freeza, "I wonder what he's doing in hell."

"I heard that he brands his staff every time they make a mistake," said Cell.

"That explains why the service is so good," said Freeza. He paused and looked around the table. "I still wish we could have got some wine," he said.

"No way," said Cell authoritatively, "We need are heads on straight if we're going to make this work."

"I just wanted a glass," grumbled Freeza, "I didn't intend to get drunk."

"Yes but you can't have a glass without getting drunk," pointed out Cell. "Do you remember last new year's eve?"

"No," admitted Freeza, "why what happened?"

"Not much," said Cell, "we played scrabble and had a glass of champagne to ring in the New Year. Then we spent the rest of the night in hospital while you were treated for alcohol poisoning!"

"Fine then," conceded Freeza, "I won't have any wine, but your plan better work!"

"It'll work," said Cell calmly before returning to his meal.

* * *

A few pleasant gluttony filled hours later and Cell and Freeza had finished their meal. The two of them happily sat back resting their bloated stomachs. A few moments later the manager came up to them.

"I trust that everything was acceptable gentlemen," he said, almost daring them to disagree. Cell resisted the temptation because it would have been lying.

"I can honestly say that that was the best meal I've had since being sent to Hell," he replied instead. The manager looked at Freeza who nodded in agreement.

"Excellent," he said before producing a small piece of paper. "There is now just the small matter of the Bill."

Cell glanced at the bill. He didn't read the actual sub total, but he could tell that it reached into the six figure margin. A smile crossed the Android's face.

"I would like to pay this," he said calmly, "I really would, but I can't."

"Why not!" demanded the manager.

"Because I'm going to have to arrest you for failing to live up to hygiene standards," said Cell drawing his badge in the same smooth manor that people always seemed capable of in the movies. The manager went pale;

"But- but what have I done officer?" he asked desperately.

"Those branding irons you keep in the kitchen are a health hazard," said Freeza with drawing the hand written version of the laws of hell.

"But those are only used on the staff!" protested the manager.

"Sorry the law is the law," said Cell solemnly, "you're going to have to go to jail."

"Wait," said the manager quickly, "We are all reasonable people here, I'm sure that we can come to a reasonable agreement…"

* * *

"Wasn't it nice of him to give us a 99.9999 discount on that meal," said Freeza innocently as they left the restaurant.

"Yup," said Cell, "I'm so glad that we could come to an agreement with him. So what shall we do now?"

"Well I've always fancied a plasma TV," said Freeza, "Perhaps there will be a crime going on near by and we'll be forced to confiscate on as evidence."

"Now that would be a pity," said Cell slyly, "Let's go have a look."

The two police officers headed for the nearest electrical store. They didn't get far though. In fact they hadn't even left the street when a group of creatures surrounded them. They were all wearing battered battle armour and looked mean. Still this didn't really faze Freeza or Cell, who were experts at looking mean.

"What's up with you lot," demanded Freeza, "I my companion looks like a cockroach but there's no need to stare. He's kind of sensitive about it!"

"Oh you never could resists an opportunity to show off your legendary wit could you Freeza?" said a familiar voice. Freeza sighed, inadvertently avoiding Cell's attempt to hit him.

"What do you want farther?" he asked. King Cold walked calmly towards them though the crowd, flanked by the Ginyu Force.

"Why what is wrong with a farther wanting to have a quick word with his son?" he asked innocently.

"Nothing as long as it's quick!" snapped Freeza.

"Fine then, I'll cut to the chase," said Cold. "It has come to my attention, via reports of a riot earlier to day that you and your friend have decided to reform the HIFLPD."

"Yes and…" said Freeza irritably,

"There's nothing wrong with that," said King Cold calmly, "as long as you do not interfere with my business plans, if you get my drift."

"Nope," butted in Cell, "as far as I'm concerned this Police business is mandate for me to do pretty much what I want Cold, so why don't you push off before I arrest you for loitering."

"That's a shame," said Cold, "It disappoints me to see the power go to your head like that."

"Oh no!" said Cell sarcastically, "I've disappointed King Cold, what ever will I do, he might set his really scary Ginyu force on me! I could never cope with that, woe is me."

"No need to milk that quite so much," said Freeza critically. Everyone ignored him.

"Cell I would like you to meet my latest hired muscle," said King Cold pressing some buttons on a control pad, "his name is Broly."

Cell and Freeza turned around and noticed a Saiyan standing behind them.

"Is that it?" mocked Cell. King Cold smiled.

"Why don't you show the android what you can do Broly," he suggested. Broly nodded and began to power up. Cell sighed.

"A Super Saiyan, is that the best you can do?" he asked turning back to King Cold, "Honestly people always seem to think that if you give a Saiyan Yellow hair then it suddenly becomes invincible,"

"Um Cell," said Freeza.

"Well they don't," carried on Cell, "I was strong enough to beat a Super Saiyan in my first form,"

"Cell I think you ought to…" began Freeza nervously.

"Don't interrupt," snapped Cell, "anyway where was I… oh yes I could beat all forms of ascended Saiyan in my Perfect form too…"

"C-c-ell" gibbered Freeza as a shadow began to form around them.

"Heck I would have beaten a Super Saiyan 2," said Cell thoughtfully, "if it wasn't for Goku's persuading, so I think I can deal with-"

"OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD CELL TURN ROUND YOU IDIOT!" screamed Freeza grabbing the Android and swinging him round.

"Fine what is i-" Cell began but he stopped when he saw the Legendary Super Saiyan standing behind him. "Well I guess I was rather tempting fate there," he reluctantly admitted.

"Any thoughts?" asked Freeza nervously.

"Just one," said Cell, who then leaped up a kicked Broly in the crotch as hard as he could. The Saiyan didn't even blink.

"Well I'm all out of ideas," said Cell surprisingly calmly, a moment later Broly made his move, grabbing Freeza by the tail in one hand and Cell by the neck in the other. He turned them round to face King Cold.

"Right," he said calmly, "here's what's require of you two. On no account do I want the HFILPD successfully investigating any of my activities, okay. I don't care how determined the monkey gets or how much fluke evidence that nutter Cooler uncovers they are not to arrest me or any of my men understand." Freeza and Cell both nodded quickly. "Good," said King Cold taking a pen out of his pocket, "because if you fail…" he menacingly snapped the pen in two before turning to leave. The crowd followed with Broly, who dropped Freeza and Cell back onto the floor first. With in minutes the Police Officers were alone again.

"Now I'm not an expert on threats," said Cell after an awkward silence, "But I think he could have done better then threatening to break our biros'."

* * *

Okay that chapter was a little shorter then the other's, I admit. That was just the way it was planned. Anyway if you enjoyed that, have a suggestion to make or have any constructive criticism then please send me a review and let me know. And if you want to hire Broly as goon then all enquires should be directed towards King Cold's secretary. 


	6. Dirty Sidings

Okay folks sorry this is up later then planned; updates to the website scuttled my original plan. Anyway it's here now so I hope you enjoy.

* * *

Dirty sidings

The other world is generally a beautiful place, with trees, flowers, rolling meadows and just the sort of wondrous country side that you would expect to find in paradise. Of course this doesn't just happen by it's self, all those flowers need fertilizer if there going to survive. However, as nothing dies or goes to the toilet excessively in the otherworld it is not the easiest resource to come by. In fact the only way for the administrators from the other world to get there hands on enough of the stuff is to export it from hell, where there is plenty off decay and nearly every animal is incontinent, (especially the pigeons). This makes fertilizer the most valuable thing in hell as it is the only thing which brings in any money form the lands outside. Thus anyone who can get there hands on can become very rich and powerful….

* * *

Cell sat in the kitchen, eating breakfast and pondering what had happened the night before. He was sure that he had kicked that Saiyan right in the crotch, but he hadn't been hurt at all. That didn't really bode well for Cell. He had, though out his life, and death, gained a strong sense of self preservation, and a motto; "Never Fight a Battle You Can't Win". It had served him rather well, until the little set back against Gohan but how was he supposed to know that the kid was that strong, it wasn't like anyone had warned him about it. Well the kid had, but Cell had been sure that he was just showing off. Anyway he had just let the kid win, you know, to be kind.

Cell's some what twisted recollection of the Cell games was interrupted by Freeza entering the room, looking whiter than usual.

"I had a horrible dream," said the former dictator vaguely, "I think you were in it!"

"Oh that's just what I need to here first thing in the morning," said Cell sarcastically. "What ever your nightmare was it couldn't have been worse than last night!"

"I guess," said Freeza, "what are we going to do about that anyway?"

"I think we should probably do as they say," replied Cell after a pause. "It would work out best for everyone that way."

"Oh no," said Freeza determinedly, "I'm not going to be pushed around by my father! I might be pushed around by that humongous monkey thing he hired, but not by my farther!"

"Bravo," mocked Cell, "a real speech of defiance that was!"

"Oh shut up!" snapped Freeza sulkily. Cell was intending to mock him some more when the phone rang.

"Hello," said Cell cheerfully picking up the phone.

"Hi Cell," said Goku in not quite such a cheery voice as usual, "I need you two to get to the Police garage now. We need to discuss what happened to the prisoners last night."

"Okay," said Cell a little nervously, "we'll be there in a sec."

"What was that about?" asked Freeza as Cell hung up.

"Nothing much," said Cell calmly, "I think Cooler just let all the prisoners escape…."

* * *

"I don't see want the problem is," said Freeza unrepentantly to Goku once they had arrived at the police station, "None of the prisoners escaped!"

"Yes," said Goku in a manor suggesting there was a but coming up, "but _(see)_ their "basic human rights for incarcerated persons" where not reached."

"You just read that politically correct nonsense out of a book!" snapped Freeza, "You have no idea what it means do you!"

"Of course I do," protested Goku flicking though the book, "ah here it is. It means that the prisoners are not being treated to in a satisfactory matter," he finished proudly.

"Hey they weren't treating us in a satisfactory matter," snapped Freeza, "that's why we arrested them! Why should we have to treat them well now?"

"I'm not suggesting that we make cups of tea for them or anything," said Goku in an irritated voice, "but I don't think that it's too much to expect for prisoners to be able to sit in their cells with out the building falling down on top of them!"

"Well there wasn't exact anything we could have done about that!" snapped Freeza, "if there going to be stupid enough to get themselves arrested when they know the police station is in a state of disrepair then that's there own stupid fault."

"And I did warn them not to dig that tunnel," said Cooler disapprovingly "but would they listen, Noooooo,"

"I think we should take the positives from this," said Cell encouragingly, "firstly no one escaped, secondly no one was killed, thirdly when all these people are released with all those bruises on them everyone will think we're really brutal and be to scared to commit crimes and fourthly the rescue effort started really promptly." Cell finished by gesturing to the large number of people digging thought the rubble, pulling out survivors and making sure they were okay.

"You don't see public out pouring of support and camaraderie like that very often down here too," mused Freeza, "so we've also helped make hell a friendlier place though this."

"Yeah," said Cell almost wistfully, "look they came to help so quickly that they didn't even have time to take off their suits."

"That's because they're not rescue workers," said Goku actually sounding angry. "They're lawyers, digging for a client to sue us with!"

"Oh," said Cell, "that would explain it. I supposed we better get one to defend us."

"Good idea," said Goku, "I'll go d-, Freeza why are you trying to burry yourself?"

"Don't judge me," snapped Freeza as he moved more rubble on top of himself, "this could be the best chance I get for years to make such a quick buck!"

Goku was about to reply when Cooler came running over with the phone (despite the fact that no one had seen him leave to get it)! The insane creature stopped and successfully tied himself up in all the wires before handing the phone to Goku;

"It's for you," he explained before collapsing into a heap of wires on the floor. Goku sat down on top of a rock to answer.

"Hello?" he said, "okay we'll be there right away," before hanging up. "Look sharp guys," he said standing up again, "we're about to start our first major investigation, someone has stolen several tones of…"

"Fertilizer," declared Cooler happily. Goku stared at him for a moment.

"How did you know that?" he asked.

"Well it is pretty obvious," said Freeza broadly, "why else would the author have put that rather dull paragraph about it at the start of the chapter…"

* * *

Our hero's arrived at the crime scene two hours later. It wasn't that the crime scene was a long way away; in fact it should have only been a five minute drive. However it had taken them half an hour to untangle Cooler and then they had got lost on the way. Eventually they arrived to find two rather angry people waiting for them.

"Not exactly a speedy response time is it," mocked one of them.

"I'm just glad there not the fire brigade," said the other. They both laughed as the Police Officers approached, Goku was sure that he recognised them. A moment later it clicked.

"Raditz, Nappa!" he declared in a cheery greeting, "I haven't seen you two for years, how are you guys doing?" Both Saiyans jumped.

"H-h-hi Kakarot," said Raditz nervously, "err… nice to see you again, did your son get over that whole, being kidnapped thing?"

"No actually it scared him for life," said Goku sadly, Raditz looked like he was about to flee when Goku perked up. "Only kidding!" he said warmly, "what you did was small fry compared to Cell here."

"Oh good," said Raditz sounding rather relived, "not good that that Cell guy scared him, bur good that I didn't and your not going to beat me up…. Well you get what I'm saying don't you?"

"Sure I do," said Goku, before turning to Nappa, "how are you doing?"

"Oh err well, I'm doing well," said Nappa who was also clearly uncomfortable in Goku's presence, "I-I haven't killed anyone since you taught me that lesson," he finished proudly.

"That's great!" said Goku sounding genuinely pleased about that, "Glad to see that you've learnt the error of your ways. Anyway what can we do for you?" The two relived Saiyans looked blank for a moment before apparently remembering why they had called the police.

"Oh yes the crime!" said Raditz, as though it was the sort of thing anyone could forget, "Yes well what do you want to know?"

"Who did it would be a big help," said Cell in a mocking voice.

"On TV they usually get the witness to tell them what happened first," said Goku more hopefully, "So let's start with that. Freeza make a note of what he says."

"Why me?" demanded Freeza angrily.

"Because I find it hard to read my own hand writing," said Goku in a matter of fact manor. "Right Raditz, what happened?"

"Well Nappa and I were just driving the train that delivers the fertilizer to the other world," said Raditz.

"Choo choo" declared Cooler happily; Cell hit him hard on top of the head.

"Sorry about that," said Cell please continue.

"Well all was fine until we got to this junction," said Raditz, "we stopped here for the signal when suddenly some guys got on and told us to keep our heads down and remain still or else they would kill us!"

"So what did you do?" asked Goku eagerly.

"Kept our heads down and we didn't get killed," declared Raditz proudly, "I'm not an idiot."

"Emhemchickenmmm!" coughed Freeza. Cell glared at him.

"Didn't you blow up a practically defenceless planet in order to avoid a possible future threat," he asked mockingly.

"Oh enough about me blowing up that dam planet already!" snapped Freeza. "I'm never going to be allowed to forget about it am I?"

"Probably not," mused Cell happily. Goku ignored them and asked Raditz some more questions.

"Did you see what they looked like?" he asked

"No,"

"Here any names?"

"Not as such,"

"Get any clues as to their identity?"

"No"

"Okay," said Goku calmly, "Are you getting all this Freeza."

"Yes" said Freeza sarcastically, "I'm drawing a detailed sketch of criminals now."

"Really?" exclaimed Goku, "because I thought that was all completely useless. Anyway do you guys know of anyone else that might have witnessed the crime?"

"You could ask our steam engine," suggested Nappa, "They probably didn't bother to threaten him."

"Really," said Goku, "okay we'll try that, come on Freeza lets go talk to him. Cooler and Cell, you two should start looking for evidence around the train."

"Oh joy," said Cell as they wondered off, "I get to look for evidence with Mr Brain on Ice."

"Hey don't call me insane," snapped Cooler, "I'm not the one trying to talk to a steam engine!" Cell looked at Cooler quizzically.

"Are you aware that you're talking to a glove puppet?" he asked. Cooler stared at the remarkably Cell like puppet on his left hand.

"Did you say something?" he asked it.

* * *

Goku and Freeza approached the engine that was resting peacefully in the siding.

"Hello," it said when they reached it, "I guess you two are here to ask me some questions about the robbery."

"Yes we are," said Goku looking at the engine closely, "Hang on a second, I know you, your Thomas the Tank Engine."

"Guiltily as charged" said Thomas happily.

"Wow," exclaimed Goku sounding slightly star struck, "My son Gohan used to read your stories all the time. You were great. What are you doing down here then? "

"Oh some kids where throwing stones at me," said Thomas bluntly, his eyes narrowed, "They got what was coming to them. Anyway what was it that you wanted to know?"

"We were wondering if you could give us a description of the criminals?" said Goku.

"Oh yeah that's easy," said Thomas happily, "They were a gang of aliens, varying heights, but one thing I could tell you about them was that they where all wearing battle armour, you know the kind all of the Icea's soldiers wear. They-"

"Well thank you very much!" declared Freeza, "come on Monkey lets go help the others search for evidence shall we."

"Wait I don't think he's finished yet," protested Goku, but Freeza pulled with too much force.

"Come on Goku," he encouraged, "surely you know that they won't accept a steam engine's evidence in court. He wouldn't fit in the dock."

"I heard that!" snapped Thomas. However Freeza had a strong grip on Goku's arm and was able to drag the Saiyan away.

"So," said Goku as he was dragged away, "do you have any idea what he was talking about. You know with those guys battle armour?"  
"None what so ever," declared Freeza, "Personally wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him."

"Surely you're strong enough to throw a steam engine quite far," pointed out Goku.

"Oh forget the metaphor!" snapped Freeza, "I just don't think we will find any evidence to support his claim."

"Hey Goku!" called Cooler running over, "Look at all this evidence I've found!" Goku looked eagerly through the box of scouters, helmets, arm blasters and Icea soldier identity cards. Freeza quietly went pale as he watched.

"Good work Cooler," said Goku determinedly, "I think we're well on our way to finding out who did this. I wonder if Cell found anything."

"No I didn't," said Cell suddenly walking in on there conversation, "but on the plus side I did manage to get a nice fire going."

"Arrh well," said Goku calmly, "The stuff Cooler found should be good enough, let's return to the police station to discuses our next move."

"I advise Queen's pawn to knight 6210¹º!" declared Cooler bouncing off after Goku. Cell and Freeza plodded a little way behind.

"It wasn't really very discrete of your dad to threaten us and then commit a major crime on the same day!" said Cell sulkily.

"Nah well subtlety was never my father's strong point," mused Freeza, "did I tell you about the time he blew up a planet because they made a spelling mistake on their tax return."

"And people wonder how you turned out as a mass murder," committed Cell. "So how are we going to avoid getting our necks broken?"

"My Mum always used to tell me to ignore problems and hoped they went away," said Freeza. Cell looked at the logic of that for a moment.

"Your mum wasn't really a woman of action was she?" he said.

"No not really," admitted Freeza, "but can you think of an easier way out of this?" Cell paused to thought.

"You know," he said calmly, "I think I can…"

* * *

Okay I hope that was enjoyable. Just a quick guest disclaimer which is that I don't own the Rev W Awdry's creation Thomas the Tank Engine. Right we'll find out about Cell's plan next chapter so I hope to see you then. Please feel free to make any comments or suggestions or constructive criticisms in a review I would be pleased to here from you. 


	7. Gokuing Deeper Underground

So here we are again, ready for another chapter. So I guess I better get started. Just give me a second to think….. Okay now I'm ready.

* * *

Gokuing Deeper Under Ground

Back at the police garage Goku stuck a pin into a map of hell.

"Okay," he said proudly, "That's the location of our crime. Now let's see if there's a pattern."

"Why would we way to do that?" asked Freeza, sounding a little confused.

"Well I saw a movie once," said Goku, "where this evil cult where committing ritual murders in certain places so that the pattern made a mark, which opened a portal to hell!"

"Not to HELL!" screamed Cooler, "We're all doomed." With that the insane Icea ran through the nearest wall leaving a nice Cooler shaped hole behind him.

"Gee," said Goku "I thought that only happened in cartoons."

"I thought this was a cartoon," grumbled Cell.

"No it isn't," snapped Freeza "it's an anime! It's completely different!"

"Oooo aren't we mister touchy," mocked Cell, "If your so fussy about what it's called what's the difference?"

"That's easy," said Freeza confidently, "in an anime, or animated series for that matter; parents complain there should be an age rating if there's any violence in it. However in a cartoon you can shoot a duck in the head and cut a cat's tail in half and advertise it for children."

"Oh," said Cell, "That does actually make sense now."

"Ahem!" butted in Goku, "could we get back to the point!"

"What your ritual fertilizer thefts?" said Freeza trying to hide a smile.

"Yes the ones which could open a gate way to hell," finished Goku, quite seriously, then he pause for thought looking at the map. "What am I thinking," he said his voice suddenly full of realisation.

"Oh so you finally worked out the flaw in your theory," said Cell sarcastically.

"Yep," said Goku, "We won't be able to see a pattern yet as there has only been one crime to pin point. Guess we'll just have to wait for a few more thefts before we can see the evil mark." Cell and Freeza glared at him. "What?" asked Goku defensively.

"I think that we can safely assume that no one is trying open a portal to Hell!" snapped Cell, "since we're already there it would be a bit of a waste of time!"

"Oh," said Goku feeling rather foolish, "I guess your right. Okay then lets try theory number two," he flipped over a flip chart, replacing portal to hell with another theory. "The Fertilizer theft was committed to scare people away from the railway line so the gang who did it could look for the gold buried underneath it! What do you think?" Cell and Freeza stared at him blankly.

"Words fail me," said Cell.

"Yes I must ask," said Freeza, "are you really this stupid, or are you just playing dumb to make us do some of the work!"

"Hey I've never actually done this before!" snapped Goku, "All I know is what I've seen on TV, so give me a break." He angrily flipped over the chart again to his next theory, "Okay how about the Fertilizer, being a valuable commodity, is being used as an under world currency to purchase weapons, equipment and favours to grant the gang who stole it an advantage in the under world gang war." Cell and Freeza froze.

"So you did watch a few realistic cop shows," mumbled Freeza quietly.

"Great!" said Goku failing to spot Freeza's negative tone, "Let's try to work out which gang did it." Goku hurried over to the corner and picked up the box of the evidence they had collected at the crime scene.

"Right as I haven't been here very long I don't know which gangs are particularly common around here so you two are going to have to help me out," said Goku sifting thought the evidence. There was rather a lot of it, and all of it pointed to a gang of ex- Freeza solders.

"I don't know," said Cell trying to stall Goku, "It could be any gang really; lots of them used this sort of stuff."

"Really," said Goku, "I would have thought that the gangs would have used different weapons and armour, you know as part of there identity."

"Oh that's just a popular fictional misconception," said Call calmly, "really gangs just use stuff which is cheap, like this stuff." Goku examined one of the pieces of armour on the table.

"I guess this stuff is pretty cheap," he said.

"Yep," said Cell, "Its cheap tat!"

"It's not cheap tat!" snapped Freeza, unable to take the digs at his old army anymore, "My army only used the best equipment!" Goku looked at him.

"So your saying that this was done by a bunch of your ex solders?" he asked. Freeza was about to reply when he saw Cell snap a pen behind Goku's back.

"Err… well it could have been," he said trying to sound vague, having remembered his father's threat, "But it is such high quality material that anyone could have stolen it, and my men wouldn't have been clumsily enough to leave all that stuff behind!"

"Hmmm," mused Goku thoughtfully, "I do actually think that your men are just the kind of clumsy people who would have left all that stuff behind."

"Yes," admitted Freeza slowly, "but…"

"Right," interrupted Goku, "we have our prime suspects. I'm going to look though the HFIL property records to see if there is any where owned by one of your men which is big enough to hide all that fertilizer. I'll be back in a bit." With that Goku teleported away leaving Cell and Freeza alone.

"Tell me Freeza," said Cell angrily, "do you want to have your neck broken?" Freeza looked sheepish.

"It's not a complete disaster," said Freeza quickly, "we could still stop him, you said that you had a plan."

"Fortunately I do," said Cell, "In fact I have two plans to help us save our necks."

"Really!" exclaimed Freeza, "what are they?"

"I'll show you the first one now!" said Cell with an evil smile….

* * *

Goku left the HIFL administration office about an hour later. That was a rather quick turn around for anyone trying to get information from the office. Of course the only information he had got was that the computer data base was down and that the written records had been temporarily misplaced. Still there were some people who had spent months trying to find that out. The only bad point was that it didn't get him any closer to the location of the missing fertiliser. Goku wondered whether Cell and Freeza might have found anything, but he doubted it, as far as he was concerned they seemed to merely be interested in doing as little work as possible. Hence he was rather surprised to see the Nissan Sunny parked out side the office.

"Maybe I miss judged them," thought Goku. Some people would have been annoyed at being proved wrong like that (AhVegetaem) but Goku, with his irrepressible belief that people could change, jogged up to the car to see what they had to suggest.

"Any luck?" asked Cell when the Saiyan leaned into the car though the window.

"No, I-" said Goku pausing abruptly, "Why dose Freeza have gaffer tape over his mouth?"

"Oh that?" said Cell innocently, "I just thought it would stop him giving you any more misleading information."

"Good plan," said Goku acknowledging Freeza's slightly contradictorily earlier contributions to the progress of the investigation. "Anyway I didn't find anything in the property office…"

"Don't worry about that," said Cell, "I'm sure King Co-" Freeza hit him, "I mean the criminal wouldn't store the goods on some of their property. They are probably storing them in some of the caves out side the city."

"What in the forbidden Demon Zone?" said Goku, "Now that would be clever, I heard Chi-Chi read Gohan a book about smugglers who hid their goods in a cave once. Let's check it out."

"Great, hope in," said Cell, he gave Freeza a tap on the back, "You know where we're going right?" Freeza nodded.

"Err… should he really be driving with his mouth taped up?" asked Goku.

"Why not?" asked Cell sounding a little confused.

"Well how is he going to curse at the other drivers?" asked Goku, just then a Rover driver cut them up at a junction. Freeza leaned out of the window and fired a death beam though the Rover's tyres. Before pushing it off the road and racing off.

"Never mind," sighed Goku.

* * *

The Forbidden Demon Zone is an area out side of the main city in Hell and as its name suggests, is off limits to Hell citizens and full of demons. Well not really demons; that was just what early inhabitants of hell called them. They are actually just the nastiest and evilest animals that have ever live, Godzilla, Jaws, that annoying little dog that yaps at anyone who comes near it and so on. And it isn't really forbidden either; it's just that you would have to be mad to enter it voluntarily. So it isn't really that misleading a name is it. What the Forbidden Zone is is dark, rocky and baron. And the roads aren't too good either…

* * *

Front wheel drive was not ideal for climbing a hill on a gravel road. Cell was sure that Freeza was using more of the Sunny's power to move gravel then he was using to move the car.

"If we get ambushed by a dinosaur now we're dinner," he thought, "well Freeza will be dinner any way, I'll throw him at it to draw its attention." As you can see Cell was good at coming up with plans for every scenario. However this particular plan was unneeded as the only animal that threatened them was an incontinent Pigeon, but that didn't matter too much because the car was already white. Eventually they reached there destination.

"Okay stop here," said Cell, "we're here." Freeza brought the car to a halt at the entrance of a cave.

"What's so special about this cave?" asked Goku, "It looks just like all the others."

"Yes but according to the tourist brochure," explained Cell, "This is the only cave in the zone with an under ground river, just the kind of place you could hide a large amount of fertilizer without any chance of it being found.

"Good thought," said Goku, "but can we be sure, we could spend days searching these caves, I don't want to waste all that time."

"Don't worry;" said Cell calmly, "I brought a sniffer dog with us."

"Really?" said Goku keenly, "let's see it."

Cell lead Goku round to the back of the car where he opened the boot (trunk for Americans). As soon as it was open Cooler bounded out of the back wearing a pain of novelty ears.

"WOOF!" he barked happily.

"You are kidding aren't you," said Goku sounding distinctly unimpressed.

"I never joke," said Cell connecting a leash to Cooler's neck, "unless it's about George Bush. Now pass me some Fertilizer." Goku did so. Cell held the dirt up to Cooler's nose. The "dog" took a big sniff and suddenly charged off into the cave dragging Cell behind him!

"See" shouted Cell over the sound of Cooler barking, "I never jo-" He suddenly tripped over a rock in the cave. This didn't slow down Cooler in the slightest, who suddenly started weaving across the cave throwing Cell's body into every sharp rock available. The evil android started to have flash backs to a fight with Vegeta as he became personally equated with all the hard walls and edges of the cave. Eventually Cooler stopped suddenly, throwing Cell over his shoulder and into a freezing lake! Cell emerged to see Goku and Freeza arrive at the lakes edge.

"See," declared Cell triumphantly trying to save face, "what did I tell you an under ground river."

Freeza looked around a little puzzled, he tired to say something but remembering the tape wrote it down on a note pad.

"Where does it go then smart arse?" it read. Cell looked around the cave but couldn't see anywhere for the lake to go. He probably could have though of something, but he was cold and wanted a towel. Goku came to the rescue.

"It will probably travel though some under water caves," he said, "I'm swum though them before when I was a kid; I can probably do it again. Do we have any air tanks?"

"Why would you want one of those?" asked Cell shivering as he climbed out of the water.

"Well I don't really fancy drowning if it's all the same to you," said Goku, "and there is no way that Cooler can be an air tank before you suggest it!"

"I wasn't going to," said Cell, "I was just going to say that you can't drown because you're already dead!"

"Oh yeah," said Goku, "well in that case I'll just tied this rope around me, you lot hold onto it, and then I can use it to guide myself back here, I wouldn't want to get lost in these tunnels. If that happened I could be lost for weeks."

"Yes," said Cell innocently, "That would be tragic." Goku nodded.

"Okay guys wish me luck," he said. With that he Saiyan dived into the water and swam away. Cell waited for him to disappear under water for a few minutes before turning to Freeza.

"Well I think that went rather well," he said.

"Mmmmm" said Freeza in an irritated tone.

"Oh year I can remove the taper now can't I," said Cell. The Evil android carefully grabbed the edge of the tape before suddenly ripping it off Freeza's face.

"Aggghhh!" screamed Freeza, "You could have done that a bit gentler!"

"Hey I just saved you having to shave your lip for a while!" protested Cell

"I don't need to save anyway!" snapped Freeza. Cell looked at the back of the tape.

"Oh year, that would explain how clean this is," he said, "Still you will thank me later."

"How come?" asked Freeza.

"Because I dropped Goku's rope to do that," explained Cell.

"Oh what a shame," said Freeza, "we'll be without Goku for months now, how tragic."

"Yep," said Cell, "what ever will we do."

"Oh don't worry guys," said Cooler, capable of speech once more, "I caught it."

Cell turned round to thump him, but before he did he noticed something odd about the rope Cooler was holding, it was too thick to be the rope he gave Goku, and he swore that ropes weren't scaly. Suddenly it clicked.

"THAT'S NOT A ROPE YOU IDIOT!" screamed Cell, "IT'S A DINOSAUR TALE!"

"DON'T SHOUT LIKE THAT," bellowed Freeza, "YOU'LL WAKE IT UP!"

Neither of these speeches were productive, as Cooler yanked on the tale just to make sure the creature couldn't remain asleep. The sharp toothed creature got up and glared at the through burning eyes. Then it roared, shaking the cave. Freeza leapt in to Cell's arms, like Scooby Doo. Cooler merely smiled.

"Funny," he mused, "It may have been asleep but you think we would have noticed something that big!"

* * *

A few seconds later two figures sprinted out of a cave, dragging a third behind them, who was busy taking photos of the dinosaur that was chasing them. He was promptly thrown into the back of the car, outside the cave which sped off. I tell you now that you could go to any road in the world, even an autobahn in Germany where there are no speed limits, but you would never see a Nissan Sunny go so fast.

* * *

Goku was a little confused as he swum thought the dark waters of the cave. He could have sworn that the rope was not as long as he had swum, but perhaps he just hadn't swum as far as he had thought. Suddenly he saw something in the water. Goku used a ki ball to light it up. It looked like algae.

"What would algae be doing in a cave?" wondered Goku. The Saiyan swum to the surface to investigate. He quickly found an answer. This part of the cave was lit by an electric light, and the algae's food supply was a huge pile of fertilizer sitting on a dry ledge!

"Whoo hoo! Thank you so much guys," he said to the algae, "Now all I need to do is sit here and wait for who ever stole it to arriv-" suddenly someone grabbed him around the neck, preventing him from finishing the sentence.

"Hello Kakarot!" said a familiar voice, "So we meat again." Goku carefully strained his neck to see who it was. Eventually he managed it.

"Oh hello Broly," he said calmly, trying not to scream, "fancy meeting you here…"

* * *

Will Goku survive his encounter with Broly, can a Nissan Sunny out run a dinosaur, does the author actually know what is going to happen next? Find out the answer to all these questions in the next chapter of Law and Order: HIFL department. Please Review while you wait. 


	8. Paradise Lost

Sorry this is late, I had server network problems, any way it's sorted now so here we go...

Hi folks, according to my hit counter no one read the last chapter! However I'm not too crushed because I got four reviews form people who seemed to know a surprising amount about the chapter they couldn't have read. Thus I have worked out that my hit counter is bust, which means reviews will be more important than ever to reassure me that people are reading this. Anyway on with the next chapter which no one is going to read…

* * *

Paradise Lost

King Cold looked at the rather unpleasant remains of the mangled Saiyan in front of him. He had know Broly was mentally unstable, but he hadn't been sure why. He still wasn't sure why but at least he now new it must have something to do with Goku.  
"And I thought Saiyans liked a fair fight" he mused to no one in particular, "Not that I have anything against those who just want to inflict pain"  
He smiled to himself; it had been quite amusing to come into the storage room of his secret under ground base to find Broly beating up the unprepared Saiyan. No quite as amusing as watching the Ginyu Force's attempts to calm Broly down before he blew the entire cave to kingdom come. They had tried restraining him, playing him soothing music, lavender oil and even cattle prods before King Cold had finally used the mind control device to bring Broly to heal. He could have done that a lot sooner but he wouldn't have got any amusement out of that.  
"What gives sir," asked Jheese as he cleared up some of the mess Broly had made, "I thought Freeza and that cockroach were supposed to be keeping this guy away from us"  
"Well clearly you just can't get the staff these days," said King Cold calmly, hiding his annoyance at his son's failure. That was easier then it could have been because things had turned out rather well from the incident. "Dose this mean we get to snap there pens in half," asked Reacoom enthusiastically.  
"Well I suppose they do have to be punished," said King Cold sounding as indifferent as always. However in reality his brain was working in over drive and it had just come up with something.  
"On the other hand," he said calmly, "I have a much better idea. Reacoom get Broly over hear I want a word with him"  
"Sure thing boss," said Reacoom, performing an exaggerated salute before leaving. King Kold then walked over to a filing cabinet and started looking though it. The files in side contained information on all of his former employees from when he had been alive. Eventually he found the one he was looking for.  
"Jheese," he said calmly handing Jheese a photo, "be a good sport and bring me this guy would you"  
"Err no disrespect Sir," said Jheese looking at the photo, "but isn't he already here"  
"No he isn't" said Kold with a sense of self satisfaction, "which is exactly the point."

* * *

"Hit me," said Cell calmly. He quickly ducked as Cooler took a clumsy swing at him. The insane police officer missed and punched the wall instead, while his younger brother dealt Cell another card. "We should really stop saying "hit me" to get another card," commented Freeza, "It confuses Cooler"  
"Really," said Cell, "I just thought he was trying to be funny"  
"Well if that's your idea of funny then you should write this story," mocked Freeza. Cell glared at him.  
"I'm sticking," he declared though gritted teeth, "what have you got"  
"Seventeen," said Freeza putting down his hand. Cell smiled.  
"Nineteen read them and weep!" he boasted.  
"I'm not going to weep just because I lost a game of black jack," snapped Freeza, "I'm not that bad a loser. Especially if I merely lose to a cheating Android at a stupid game!" he finished sulkily putting the playing cards back in there box.  
"I take it that you don't want to play again then," said Cell calmly, suddenly someone hit him round the back of the head. Cell looked up to see that it was Cooler who had finally managed to pull his arm out of the wall.  
"Well you said hit me," exclaimed Cooler innocently. Cell was quiet impressed with Cooler's commitment to the joke, even to the point when the opportunity for it to be funny had past five minutes a go. However mainly he was annoyed. A few moments later he had quite literally filed Cooler under "I" for idiot. "I'm not sure the filing cabinet is supposed to take that weight," said Freeza as Cell returned to his seat. "It'll manage," said Cell confidently. "Right what shall we do now"  
"Well I thought we could divert all the highway traffic in to the lake for a laugh," suggested Freeza picking up some road sighs.  
"Sounds fun," said Cell, "but let's make it a volcano instead"  
"Oh come on," said Freeza, "no one is going to be stupid enough to drive into a volcano"  
"Have you seen the way people around here drive," asked Cell, "They can only be looking where they are going at most a quarter of the time"  
"Point taken," said Freeza after a brief pause, "let's give it a try"  
They opened the door to leave, only to find their path blocked by, of all people Goku!  
"Err… Hi guys," said Goku sounding a little less cheery then usual, however this was no picked up by the shocked villains in the door way.  
"H-H-Hi Goku," spluttered Cell, "what are you doing back so soon?" "Oh… err I just came to tell you that I found all the fertilizer," said Goku he paused for a moment before quickly adding, "Oh yes and I arrested Broly for err…. stealing it"  
"But how come you didn't get lost in the tunnels for ages?" asked a numb sounding Freeza.  
"Tunnels?" exclaimed Goku, drawing a suspicious look from Cell, "Oh yes I found my way out easily enough." He recovered quickly. "What are you two doing with those road sighs?" he asked. "Oh…err… We were just going to clear some congestion," explain Freeza, quickly. Goku nodded.  
"Okay then," he said, "You two do that, I'm going to take this evidence and Broly back to the other world for his trial. I'll see you two tomorrow." And with that he flew off dragging Brolly behind him with one hand and a huge bag of evidence in the other. "Oh nice plan Cell," snapped Freeza as soon as he had gone, "you only got rid of the monkey for five hours and now King Kold going to kill us too"  
"How?" asked Cell, "Goku arrested Broly, none of his other henchmen could hurt us"  
"Oh yeah!" exclaimed Freeza, suddenly feeling a lot better, "I guess that means we're in the clear. Let's go divert traffic into that volcano"  
"In a minute," said Cell in heavy thought. "I was just thinking, wasn't there something odd about Goku? You know he wasn't really his self"  
"I did notice that," admitted Freeza, "he wasn't so annoyingly cheerful. It made him much nicer to talk to I thought"  
"I guess so," said Cell, "This place must be rubbing off on him, he didn't have that cheery glow either"  
"What the one he gets from his halo," said Freeza.  
"Halo? He dosen't have a halo does he?" asked Cell sounding a little confused.  
"Of course he has a Halo!" snapped Freeza, "everyone in the good place gets a halo! It's what stops them getting mixed up with the likes of us"  
"Well he didn't have one just then!" snapped Cell defensively, "So how could I have know he was supposed to have one"  
"Because we've seen him with it the last four days," argue Freeza, "Come on you must have noticed it; it's one of his most distinguishing features"  
"Well did you see him with one today?" asked Cell, trying to prove his point.  
"No," admitted Freeza, "But if he didn't have one then it couldn't have been him"  
"Well he didn't so it wasn't!" snapped Cell.  
"Fine then Mr always has to be right!" retorted Freeza sulkily sitting back in his chair.  
"No I'm just Mr always right," said Cell victoriously sitting down again. They sat in silence for a few moments, before the significance of what they had just said reached there brains. At that moment they both dove for the telephone at once.  
"What are you doing?" asked Freeza as Cell rapidly dialled.  
"Calling the world to warn them!" said Cell.  
"Why?" asked Freeza, "what have they ever done for us"  
"Nothing?" said Cell quickly, "but let's try to think long term for a moment here, I know this will be hard for someone who's greatest tactical achievement was blowing up a planet because he was worried by a stupid legend"  
"We're back on that again!" snapped Freeza, "look the legend was true so I did the right thing!" "Yes and if that guy wasn't Goku then Broly, the subject of that legend is still on the loose!" pointed out Cell, "so I'm calling the other world guys so they can catch him before he comes back here to break our necks!" Freeza thought for a sec.  
"Good plan," he said at last. Just then Cell got an answer on the phone.  
"Hello," said a recorded voice, "I'm sorry to announce that you are not permitted to call the number you have dialled. If you wish to dial this number you should go back in time and live a better life so that you don't get sent to Hell. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause." Cell hung up the phone in disgust.  
"I believe," he said calmly, "the phrase I'm looking for rhymes with "clucking bell"."

* * *

King Yemma was very busy, as always. When you had to administer the entire of the after life you rarely got a break. Fortunately he had a large coffee mug to keep him going. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Yemma looked up to see Goku standing in the door way.  
"Oh Hello Goku," said Yemma embracing the chance to break up the boredom, "You don't have to knock you know, the doors open"  
"Oh right," said Goku nervously, "I was just wondering where you want me to put Broly; I arrested him for stealing fertilizer"  
"Good job Goku," said Yemma, "but why did you bring him here? We have prisons to store him in Hell. You should take him there"  
"Oh," said Goku looking down cast, "I'm afraid I can't do that, it doesn't fit with the plan"  
"Huh?" exclaimed King Yemma, considerably confused, "What plan"  
"This plan!" exclaimed Goku determinedly, suddenly blowing King Yemma's desk to smithereens, knocking the gigantic ogre over in the progress.  
"Now go get that Namek Broly!" he ordered. Broly nodded and charged past Yemma into the other world. Yemma desperately reached for the phone.  
"Get me security," he ordered.

* * *

It is amazing how quickly you can do things if you have to. The piece of coursework finished the night before the deadline. The room which had to be tidied before you could watch your favourite TV show. The door which needed barricading before a legendary Super Saiyan came round to break your neck. Well you've probably never done that one but you get the picture.  
Cell looked over desk, that was on it's side, at the pile of lockers, filing cabinets, chairs, brooms, riot equipment and a coffee machine that were blocking the door.  
"That should slow him down," he declared, proudly. Freeza looked at him less than convinced.  
"Broly can destroy planets can't he," said Freeza, continuing when Cell nodded. "So I don't think a pile of furniture will really deter him very much"  
"You never know," said Cell, "he might try the door, find it stiffer then normal and decide we must be out and leave"  
"That's a bit optimistic," mumbled Freeza, his attention partially focused on a catalogue.  
"Well at least I'm doing something constructive," said Cell angrily, "What exactly are you looking at in that catalogue"  
"I'm just choosing my wheel chair," said Freeza, "you should do so too there's quite a good selection in here"  
"I won't need a wheel chair," said Cell boastfully, "I can regenerate from almost any injury"  
"Really?" asked Freeza. He picked up a broken table leg and hit Cell around the head.  
"Ow what did you do that for?" demanded Cell.  
"Well that wound is healing quickly," said Freeza sounding rather pleased, "looks like it won't matter it they break your neck after all. That's great"  
"What so good about it for you?" asked Cell rubbing his head.  
"Well it means your going to be able to push me," said Freeza flicking though the catalogue, "so that means that I won't need a motorised wheel chair. It will save me a lot of money." Cell glared at him angrily.  
"What makes you think that I'm going to spend the rest of eternity-" he began but was interrupted by a knock at the door. The Villains froze.  
"Be quiet and pretend we're not home," whispered Cell, Freeza nodded. It was a good plan, which was quickly foiled.  
"I'll get it!" declared a muffled voice from inside a filing cabinet. Suddenly the draw burst open sending bits of the barricade flying. Cooler emerged from the draw and, despite Cell and Freeza's frantic waving, proceeded to open the door.  
"Good evening gents," said Cooler cheerfully to the people at the door, "yes they're just in here." Cell and Freeza froze, waiting for Broly to enter the room and break their necks. It didn't happen, instead of Broly, Pikkon and Olive entered the building.  
"Oh thank goodness it's you," said Cell breathing a sigh of relief, "wait a second if you're here we're in trouble aren't we"  
"You are in a lot of trouble," growled Pikkon grabbing Freeza round the neck, "We want to know what you too did to Goku!" "Why are you chocking me?" squeaked Freeza, "he's the one who was talking to you"  
"Yes but I think Cell might speak some sense," said Pikkon, squeezing Freeza's neck harder.  
"Well we didn't do anything to Goku," argued Cell.  
"Well then how come he and Broly just when crazy in the other world and kidnapped Saichourou the former Guru of Namek?" asked Olive, in a slightly less threatening manor then Pikkon but only slightly.  
"That wasn't Goku," exclaimed Cell, "the guy who did this didn't have a halo, he tricked us to and we only realized after he left"  
"We tried to call you but we couldn't get though," gasped Freeza.  
"Well if that's the case," said Pikkon menacingly, "How come we apprehended Goku at the scene, Halo and all"  
"What?" exclaimed Cell, rather shocked, "But, how"  
"We caught him and Broly in a ki blast as they fled," said Olive, "When the smoke cleared we found Goku badly injured at the scene, he is currently in one of hells jails, but trust me when you next see him he won't have his halo"  
"Oh grate," said Cell unhappily, "But we don't know anything about it, honest"  
"Well we can't prove anything," snapped Pikkon, "but we are going to get to the bottom of this! Oh and if you are innocent I'll be come your new hero liaison, and trust me I won't be as lenient as Goku was"  
With that he threw Freeza into a wall and the two heroes stormed out, slamming the door behind them.  
"Thank you, come again," said Cooler cheerfully.  
"Well they were good tempered," said Cell sarcastically.  
"There probably just pissed because they were out smarted by someone in Hell," said Freeza, extracting himself from the hole in the wall he had ended up in.  
"Yes well it will take them ages to find Broly and Saiuonf;sf- the Guru guy..." said Cell,  
"Saichourou," corrected Cooler.  
"Yes thank you Cooler," said Cell.  
"He's the Former Guru of Namek," Cooler added.  
"Thank you Cooler," said Cell more firmly this time, "anyway they'll never find him if they treat every body they question like that. But why would King Cold want Guru"  
"I don't know," mused Freeza, "I do remember Guru though, his death cost me my wish because he created the Dragon Balls." Freeza suddenly jumped. "Could it be," he burst out, "that Cold wants Guru to create some Dragon Balls so that he can be wished back to life"  
"He could wish to become invincible while he's at it too!" said Cell, "Won't Pikkon and Co. be mad if that happens"  
"Yeah and he'll take it out on us when he becomes our hero liaison!" said Freeza unhappily. "He'll be tens times worse then Goku"  
"Goku was set up!" snapped Cell, "He couldn't have turned evil, he's too annoyingly nice to do that"  
"Perhaps he missed his family too much and wanted to escape." suggested Freeza.  
"But surely he would have told us if he wanted to do that," said Cell.  
"I guess so," said Freeza, "But we'll need more evidence than your "character witness" to get Goku off"  
"Well there's only one thing to do," said Cell definitively, "In order to avoid working under Pikkon we must track down King Cold and Broly, foil there escape plan and prove Goku innocent"  
"Good idea," said Freeza, "Though we do seem to spend a lot of time working very hard in order to make our lives easy…"

* * *

Can Cell and Freeza save Goku, can they stop the evil plan to use the Dragon Balls and will they be able to do all this with out harming their reputations as villains? Find out next chapter. Oh please review while you wait because like I said earlier by hit counters bust so this is the only way I'll know if people are reading this, okay thanks see you soon. 


	9. The Saiyan with a Million Names

Hi folks, sorry it's taken so long to get this chapter ready, but I was involve in an incident that lead to a long, exciting and plot twist filled adventure which there is no time to elaborate on right now. And if you believe that you'll believe anything. Basically my internet connection went kaput, so I couldn't update. It's here now though and everything should be back to normal. So read and (hopefully) enjoy.

* * *

The Saiyan with a Million Names.

Cell and Freeza are the kind of beings who are as good as their word. When they say there going to blow up a planet they do it. When they say they are going hold a fighting tournament to decide the fate of the world they do that too. So when they decided that they were going to prove Goku's innocents they started to do that too, right away. However like most of their past failures the problem wasn't a lack of enthusiasm. The problem was biting off more then they could chew.

Firstly they tried to gather forensic evidence of there last meeting with Goku. Unfortunately they had cleaned the garage earlier that morning and had binned all the evidence. And even if they had found anything they wouldn't have been able to do anything with it, as Cooler had turned the Polices scientific equipment into a cappuccino machine. So Freeza and Cell had a cappuccino and discussed their next move instead.

"Perhaps some one bribed Goku to do it," suggested Freeza.

"Oh yes brilliant idea," mocked Cell, "what did they say, "hey mister Goku we have a plan, why don't you give up eternal paradise to kidnap someone for us. We can pay you." No one would do that!"

"Well they had to get him to the crime scene some how!" snapped Freeza, "or how else would they have Goku in custody."

"Well I don't know perhaps they carried him there in a bag!" suggested Cell out of thin air.

"It would have to be a pretty big bag!" said Freeza angrily.

"What like the big bag that "Goku" was carrying when he came to see us?" pointed out Cell.

"Yes it would have to be that bi-" began Freeza before stopping, "darn it, I must come across as so stupid in this story."

"What's new?" asked Cell smugly, "anyway we now know how they framed Goku. They carried him to the crime scene in that bag and then when Olive and Pikkon blasted them they dropped Goku's body and fled under the cover of the dust cloud."

"Sneaky," mused Freeza, "I kind of wished I had thought of something like that. Right so all we have to do is find the person who looks exactly like Goku."

"Yup," said Cell, who then paused, "How in Hell are we going to do that…"

* * *

Hell isn't small. In fact it is awfully big. There are a hell of a lot of people down there who are being punished for the wrong they did in life. As a result finding one particular person is not the easiest task in the entire world. However if you are particularly brave, or stupid, you can go to the hell administration office to ask for information on a person. This is, some what foolishly, what Cell and Freeza decided to do, but not for very long. They were put off by the sigh which informed them that there was "only Ten days of queuing from this point."

Thus Cell and Freeza found themselves sitting on the steps of the HIFL Administration Department wondering what to do.

"Lets face it," said Freeza "we're never going find this guy in time, surely it would be much easier to let Goku rot in prison and Pikkon boss us about!"

"Oh stop whining," declared Cell, "I'm the perfect Android there's nothing I'm not capable of! I can do anything." Raising his fist into the air dramatically.

"Except from washing under his arms!" snapped Freeza holding his nose. Cell glared at him.

"I supposed that wearing antiperspirant would have made all the difference to this investigation!" said Cell mockingly.

"No but it would have made my life a little more pleasant," pointed out Freeza.

"Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?" asked Cell angrily, "You can't even do anything for Goku!"

"He killed me!" snapped Freeza, "why should I, besides he's not in trouble, he's just getting into that car over there!" Cell froze.

"Which car?" he asked, leaping to his feat.

"The blue Larda!" said Freeza leaping to his feet his brain on the ball for once. The two of them ran for the Nissan Sunny, which was fortunately parked near by. Boarding quickly Freeza floored the throttle and gave chase.

"Give me a chance to do my belts up!" demanded Cell as Freeza hurled the Sunny through the corners.

"What and lose him!" said Freeza, "not a chance."

"Well he's not exactly trying to get away!" snapped Cell as the g-forces threw him against a window. Freeza examined the Blue car in front of him. It wasn't exactly doing anything illegal, in fact it didn't appear to realise that it was being chased.

"Whoops," said Freeza when he realised why, "I forgot to turn the lights on, I'll soon fix that though."

Freeza turned on the siren. The Car driver, now realising that he was being followed floored the throttle and sped away. Freeza raced after him.

"You know," said Cell, who had by now managed to do his seat belt up, "we could have just stopped him with out the lights, so he didn't try to run!"

"Yes but what would have been the fun in that?" asked Freeza as the Sunny roared though the streets. Well roared isn't exactly the right word, it more sort of whined. The Larder wasn't going much faster either though so they could keep up. In fact if it wasn't for the flashing lights the people on the street wouldn't have know that there was a chase.

"Shoot at him out of the window!" demanded Freeza as he tried to keep up. Cell quickly wound down his window and started to fire Ki blasts at the Larda. The Sunny didn't make the most stable shooting plat form in the world however and Cell hit several other cars and an old woman before he finally got one anywhere near the Larda. And when I say near he still didn't actually hit it, he hit the cyclist it was over taking.

"I think we're going to need a lawyer," he said to Freeza as the cyclist waved his fist at them.

"Oh great can't you shoot straight!" snapped Freeza.

"I can shoot straight!" protested Cell "it's just you can't drive straight!"

"Well I would drive straight if he did!" snapped Freeza. Just then to prove his point the Larda dived down an alley. Freeza followed him sending boxes and dustbins flying as the Sunny knocked them over.

"How come there are never any solid Things down these alleys?" mused Cell, "like a large dumpster or a skip."

"Dunno," replied Freeza, "I guess that's just the way they cerograph these car chases!"

The Cars sprinted out of the alley and back onto the main roads. The Larda suddenly made a dash for the river. Being your stereotypical car chase there just so happened to be a tall ship randomly sailing down the river, and thus the bridge was going up.

"Oh no!" said Freeza, "This is where the police always lose them in the films!"

The Larder raced onto the opening bridge and with out stopping leapt over the edge of the bridge. Freeza slammed on the brakes bringing the Sunny to a halt right by the edge of the bridge.

"Lost him!" he cursed.

"You know I thought that would have ended in a less stereotypical manor," said Cell.

"Yeah," agreed Freeza, with a shrug "but there you go."

Just then there was a large splash in the river….

* * *

Cell and Freeza pulled the Saiyan out of the river a few minutes later, and as predicted he looked just like Goku, except with a out a halo and with a tail!

"He really is a Monkey," said Freeza cheerfully tying the Saiyan's tail to a lamp post. The Saiyan struggled for a moment before giving up.

"Okay," said Cell, "How we going to do this?"

"Well I thought we would do the old good cop bad cop routine," said Freeza.

"Okay then, I'll be bad cop and you can be good cop," said Cell.

"Aw come on," said Freeza, "I should be bad cop; I've done a lot more evil things then you!"

"Yes but I look scarier," countered Cell

"Have you seen my third form?" asked Freeza, "ah forget it, we'll just both be bad cop!"

"Sounds good," agreed Cell, he a Freeza both picked up iron bars which had just so happened to be lying around and rushed up to the Saiyan.

"OKAY TELL US EVERYTHING ABOUT GOKU AND KING COLD OR ELSE WE'LL SMASH YOUR HEAD IN!" they both shouted at him.

The Saiyan screamed and tried to run. He got as far as Cell stepping on his tail causing him to fall on his arse.

"Why did you do that?" asked Freeza, "it was already tied to a lamp post."

"Yes but waiting for the tail to stretch that far would take too long," said Cell. "Anyway let's get on with the beating."

"No no please don't!" screamed the Saiyan, "I'll talk! I'll talk!"

"Great what's your name?" asked Cell as Freeza took out a note book.

"Turles," said the Saiyan.

"Tullce right," said Cell, "got that Freeza?"

"T-u-e-l-l-i-c-e, got it," said Freeza writing it in his note book.

"That's not how you spell my name!" protested Turles.

"It is now!" snapped Freeza, "cause I don't have an eraser to correct it, any way why did you frame Goku!"

"The money of course!" said the slightly peeved Turles, "and it's not that hard to spell my name it's just T-u-"

"And how did you do it?" demanded Cell raising the iron bar.

"King Cold found me," said Turles quickly becoming more cooperative, "he said all I had to do was pretend to be Goku, sneak Broly into the other world and kid nap the Namek. He said he would pay me a million dollars for it!"

"Hey just like we predicted," said Freeza proudly, "now where is King Cold and the Namek now!"

"I don't know!" protested Turles, "and I wouldn't tell you even if I did know, King Cold would kill me!"

"Well you have a choice then," said Cell, menacingly, "either King Cold kills you later or we kill you now!"

"You make a convincing argument," said Turles quickly, "All I know is I have to pick up my money at the old signal box every week, Jheese meats me there!"

"Really," said Cell thoughtfully, "I think I've just come up with another brilliant plan…"

* * *

Goku sat in his cell counting bricks. It had been a strange day all things considered. He had been beaten up by Broly and had woken up in prison. Goku hadn't been arrested by law enforcers before, but he was always willing to try new things. So far this appeared to be rather boring, the only interesting thing that had happen was when he had been taken away for questioning. He had told them everything he knew about the fertilizer theft and King Cold's plans but he hadn't been able to please them even so. Goku thought that their grumpy attitude didn't really help their information gathering, but pointing this out had only made them even grumpier. So now he was back in his cell staring at the walls again. The bed was lumpy and uncomfortable but Goku was perfectly capable of sleeping any where, so he did. He was woken up by a very loud banging on the bars. Goku sat up assuming it was the guards intending to question him again, but there was no one at the door.

"Behind you, you stupid Monkey!" snapped a voice Goku instantly recognised.

"Freeza!" exclaimed Goku cheerfully turning around to find the former dictator at the window, "I didn't think anyone would come to visit me, lots of people are mad with me. How come your not here during visiting hours though."

"I'm not here to visit!" snapped Freeza, "We need you to solve this case, this is a break out!"

"But Freeza I'm not aloud to break out," protested Goku, "I was told I would be in a lot of trouble if I did!"

"Aren't you in a lot of trouble anyway," pointed out Freeza.

"I guess," admitted Goku.

"Great," said Freeza, "let's go!"

"But you can't break those bars!" protested Goku, "They're Ki proof."

"You always think of problems don't you!" snapped Freeza. "What do you thinks the ropes for?"

"Err, climbing up here," suggested Goku.

"I can fly you klutz!" said Freeza tying the rope around the bars, "off you go Cooler."

Goku listened carefully; in the distance he heard the whine of a car engine. It struggled for some time, but then the bars began flex. Eventually the plaster gave way allowing the bars to fly clean out o the window.

"Come on Monkey," said Freeza, waving a banana, "let's go!"

Goku followed, hoping that Freeza would give him the banana as the prison staff hadn't given him nearly enough to eat. Suprisingly no one stopped them as they flew over the walls to the car where Cooler was waiting.

"Nice job," said Freeza as he got it the car.

"You can be my wing man any time!" declared Cooler in a fake macho voice.

"Where's Cell?" asked Goku getting in the back.

"I'm afraid he brought it while you were a way old chap," said Cooler sadly, Freeza hit him.

"He was just providing a distraction," explain Freeza, giving Goku the banana, "Now let's get out of here!"

"Very well," said Cooler, "this is your pilot speaking, we're clear for take off…"

* * *

"….So now you know the full story," said Cell holding out his collection bucket and leaflets, "would you please consider giving some money to our cute, cuddly and homeless animal shelter." He finished with a wining smile. The guards at the gate looked thoughtfully.

"You know," said one of them reaching into his pocket, "I think I will…"

* * *

Okay folks, sorry you had to wait so long for that, I'll have the next chapter up very soon. This time I mean it. On pain of death! Please Review while you wait. 


	10. When you Wish upon a Dragon

Here we are with chapter 10! I'm into double figures! Anyway I told you I would update sooner this time and I have, so let's get on with it…

* * *

When You Wish Upon a Dragon

Don't let TV or movies fool you. Going under cover isn't easy. I requires bravery, cunning, preparation, quick wits and a cool head under immense pressure. It's not something for the kind hearted, unsubtle ammeter. Unfortunately that was all the HFIL police department had so they were going to have to go with it.

"This armour is really," complained Goku as he got changed.

"Well though!" snapped Cell, "Your going to have to wear it or else Jheese won't think your Turles!"

"Can't I just go dressed as normal and claim that it's a new fashion?" protested Goku.

"Yes that could work," began Freeza sarcastically, "there's just on tiny problem. For it to be a new fashion we would need someone else to where it!"

"I could be a trend setter!" suggested Goku determinedly.

"Forget it!" snapped Cell, "If you go out in that Gi you won't get three feet before a hero arrests you! They've been tearing C hell apart even since you escaped!"

"Fine," conceded Goku, "by the way aren't you two supposed to be helping with that?"

"Hardly," grumbled Freeza, "they just wanted us to serve refreshments, we sent Cooler to do that…."

_

* * *

Elsewhere_

"Excuses me," asked the confused Hero the far side of the temporary counter, "I asked for a hot dog and I've been give a bun with a bar of soap in the middle!"

"Really," exclaimed Cooler looking at the hot dog, "OOOO you luck person it's a blue one, that means you win a free hot dog!" magically producing another soap filled bun and handing it to the bemused hero. Happy in the knowledge of a job well done Cooler turned to his next customer.

"Right would you like ketchup in your coffee?" he asked.

_

* * *

Back at the Police Garage_

"I guess it doesn't look too bad," conceded Goku looking in the mirror "I look kind of important and official!" he finished proudly.

"Yes you should thank us for getting you out of that orange Gi," said Cell, "because I've read that wearing orange provokes hostility!"

"Really," said Goku shocked at this revelation, "So that's must be why people have always been trying to kill me for no particular reason."

"Yes that's it," said Freeza sarcastically, "it had nothing to do with you being an annoying Monkey who ruins cunning, intelligent and not to mention good looking, evil dictator's plans, for universal domination!"

"Your still bitter about that aren't you," said Cell, in a mocking voice.

"Oh come on," said Freeza, "it was so much better then your plan! Durrr, I'm Cell, I'm going to hold a big fighting tournament so that all my enemies can kill me really easily! Dumb Cockroach."

"You know Freeza," said Cell, "it's at times like this I always think how tragic it is that your legs were smashed beyond repair leaving you in constant agony for all eternity."

"But my legs aren't smashed beyond repair," commented Freeza slightly confused.

"Want a bet!" snapped Cell menacingly.

"Wow guys," said Goku stepping between the villains, "save your strength for Jheese!"

"Oh come on he won't be a challenge," protested Freeza.

"Probably more of a challenge then you," mocked Cell.

"Okay that's it!" snapped Freeza who thumped Cell. The android responded with his foot but hit Goku instead. The Saiyan responded as came naturally to him and seconds later the three of them where doing a very good job of destroying the office…. In there defence it had been a long day. That could take a while to sort out so while there busy doing that lets see what King Cold is up to….

* * *

There is an important thing to bear in mind if you ever end you working with an evil crime lord bent on word, all even universal, domination. That is that they don't like to be kept waiting. This isn't surprising really, as if they where able to accept things occasionally not going as well as they wanted it too they wouldn't be trying to take over the world would they?

King Cold was just being to get the impression that the Ginyu force had forgotten this important rule when Burta entered the room.

"Good news your majesty," he declared, "We finally persuaded the Namek to cooperate."

"Well it's about time," said King Cold, smiling when Burta winced, "It took you so long I had to send Jheese to make that dam Saiyan another payment to keep his moth shut."

"Sorry my Lord," said Burta, clearly trying, and failing not to shake, "but he was very hard to crack. He with stood the blasting, the electrocuting, he even managed to watch an interview of Tom Cruise!"

"How did you persuade him in the end then?" asked King Cold, amazed that the Namek had stood up to such treatment.

"Well it turns out Nameks are ticklish…" explained Burta.

"No particularly evil," mused Cold, "but as long as he dose what we want," he paused and picked up the controller to make Broly follow him, "come on lets go make our wish."

With his body guards in tow King Cold entered the room where the Namek elder was being held. The creature looked very sorry for himself, which please King Cold.

"Now Saichourou I understand you have agreed to work with us," he said smugly.

"Yes," groaned the old Namek gruffly, "but I want you to know that you'll never get away with this!"

"Thank you," said King Cold calmly, "I'll bare that in mind, and next time I need someone to make a stereotypical comment I'll come straight to you!" The Ginyu force laughed at this, like they were paid to. "Now make me a Dragon," he demanded, "and as a final humiliation for you its name shall be… Bob!"

"Very well," said the Namek wearily. Slowly he raised his hands and created a bright light in font of him. King Cold smiled wickedly as the lights focused themselves into to balls.

Suddenly the balls shoot upwards towards the roof. King Cold watched as a smile formed on the Nameks face, he clearly thought the balls were going to escape. A second later he was proven wrong. In the time it takes for a four eyed frog like creature to hold his breath the flying balls disappeared. The reappeared a moment later in Guldo's hands. The frog like creature ran over to King Cold.

"Here you go your Majesty," he said in grovelling tones. The kind of tones King Cold liked to be talked to in.

"Thank you Guldo," he said, "You can have a 100 pay rise."

"But that would still leave me being paid nothing," protested Guldo before seeing King Cold's face, "I-I mean thank you sir, you are to kind." King Cold accepted the complement and turned to the crest fallen Namek.

"Nice try!" he snapped, "For that trick your going to have to spend another twenty minutes with Reacoom and the feather. Then you can watch me make my wish…"

* * *

"I don't see why we didn't take the car," protested Goku as they approached the meeting sight. "It would have been a lot stealthier to back me up from inside there."

"Because," snapped Cell, "Jheese would get suspicious if there was a police car parked beside the meeting point!"

"Are you sure," said Goku, "he was pretty dumb."

"Takes one to know one," said Freeza quietly. The others glared at him causing him to shut up; Freeza had come off worst by quiet some margin in the last disagreement.

"At least the car didn't have a face!" pointed out Goku.

"Don't worry about that," said Thomas the Tank Engine, "I'll pretend to be asleep, he won't suspect a thing. By the way I could do with a bit more coal."

"Freeza give the mouthy steam engine what he wants," order Cell.

"I used to rule an empire of hundred of planets," grumbled Freeza, "and now I'm taking orders from a piece of machinery! How low have I sunk?"

"Well I wouldn't have to give you orders if you knew what you where doing!" retorted Thomas, who seemed to be able to hear everything that was said in the cab, "Honestly you are the worst fireman I've ever had. I'm amazed that the station master let you borrow me!"

"Yeeessss," said Cell quietly, "he let us…"

"Hold on Thomas," said Goku, "we're here, pull over into that siding." The steam engine obliged. Well actually he spent half an hour explaining to Cell and Goku how to set the points before the finally managed to park him in a different siding. That done they sat down in Thomas' cab to recap their plan for the sake of the audience.

"Right Goku," said Cell, "all you have to do is wait till Jheese turns up and grab him! Then we'll make him tell us where King Cold has Saichouthingy so we can rescue him. Got it."

"Hey I came up with the plan to destroy you," said Goku, "I think I can handle this!"

"Great I'll go home then," said Freeza, "Driving a steam train is surprisingly hard work!" Cell grabbed Freeza before he could leave and let Goku out. Goku wonder quickly over the railway to the old signal box. It was very peaceful; the only thing he could hear was Thomas pretending to snore. Goku stomped around in the cold for a bit. He seemed to be there for hours, although knowing Goku's patience it was more like a few minutes. Suddenly a voice came out of the darkness;

"Oi, Turles!" it called.

"Who me?" asked Goku, almost blowing his cover.

"Yes you," snapped Jheese, "I've brought to your money, alright."

"Oh, thanks very much," said Goku, taking the suit case.

"Right, I'm going to go!" said Jheese.

"Wait, you can't leave yet," protested Goku.

"Why not?" demanded Jheese. Goku suddenly grabbed him; he was promptly surrounded by Cell and Freeza.

"Because we have a few questions," explained Goku, smugly. "Where are King Cold and Saichourou?" Jheese looked at them and laughed.

"I'm not going to tell you that," he said, "in a few minutes I'm going to be wished back to life and out of this Hell hole, I'm not going to risk that!"

"Hang on a second," said Freeza, "why don't we just wait for the dragon to appear and use that to locate Dad- I mean King Cold."

"Dad…" began Cell, but Goku cut him off.

"We wouldn't get there in time," he said sadly.

"What about your teleportation thingy?" asked Cell.

"Well the authors temporarily forgotten about that for the sake of the story," explained Goku.

"Arrh well, said Cell not sounding too distressed, "looks like we'll just have to make Jheese talk."

"Good luck!" spat Jheese smugly.

"Hark!" said Freeza, "Is that the sound of the midnight express approaching? My wouldn't that be convenient."

"But it's half past one," exclaimed Jheese.

"This is the HFIL transport system," said Cell lowering Jheese's head to the track, "one and half hours late is pretty prompt!"

"Gee," said Goku, getting into the swing of things, "you shouldn't leave Jheese's head there, it could delay the train!"

"Wait a second!" explained Jheese as the train approached, "can't we sort this out in a nicer way?"

"I don't know," said Freeza, "you tell us."

"Err guys," called Thomas from the siding.

"What!" snapped Freeza, tired of being bossed around by the steam train.

"We never set the points back," he replied. Cell, Goku and Freeza looked up to see the clumsy arrangement of the points suddenly divert the high speed train into the side of the bridge. It exploded in an over the top manor, sending carriages flying towards our heroes.

"Rats," muttered Cell.

* * *

Pikkon looked up from his coffee, which tasted funny, to see the explosion.

"Look Olive," he called "that looks like that traitor Goku's work if ever I saw it."

"Really," said Olive, "It looks more like a train exploding to me!"

"What ever it is we should check it out," said Pikkon, "coming?"

"Just a sec," said Olive, "let my food settle for a bit." The Hero winced, "I've got a really bad stomach ache, must have been that hot dog I ate!"

"Fine, you rest," said Pikkon, "someone else come!"

"There is no one else," said Olive, "they've all come down with food poisoning too."

"What!" growled Pikkon, "How can hundreds of heroes all with different digestive systems al get food poisoning!" He swung round to the caterer behind his plastic table. "What the Hell did you do to this meat?"

"I'm sorry," said the Icea, (or Icejin if you prefer) "all complaints must be directed to our complaints department."

"Well put me in touch with your complaints department then!" demanded Pikkon.

"Please Hold," said Cooler, who then started humming some annoying music and saying, "You are thirty eighth in the queue," at certain intervals. Pikkon sighed, this could take a while.

* * *

Freeza opened his eyes as the dust cleared, to his amazement he was unharmed, all the wreckage had missed him.

"I'm fine!" he declared "it's a miracle!"

"Speak for your self!" snapped Cell gesturing to a piece of metal that had logged itself in his right eye.

"What are you complaining about," snapped Freeza, "you can regenerate!"

"That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!" screamed Cell. Goku, also unhurt, wondered over.

"Let me get that," he said pulling it out of Cell's eye, causing the android to scream like a little girl. "Sorry, but it has to come out," said the Saiyan with the slightest hint of enjoyment.

"Just don't tell anyone I screamed," begged Cell be for regaining his composure, "hey where's Jheese, did he escape?"

"He wishes," said Freeza gesturing to an orange body crushed under a tender, "but he's of no use to us now. There are a lot of hurt passengers too."

"There dead all ready," said Cell dismissively, "we have to find King Cold!"

"But where could he be," mused Goku. Suddenly, as if on cue, a huge dragon burst out of a near by building. "Oh crap!" said Goku, "we're nearly out of time."

"Screw the author!" snapped Freeza "lets just teleport there!"

"Good idea," said Goku, grabbing Freeza and Cell, "lets go, Thomas try to help the injured."

"Wait a second," said Thomas, "how can I do that…" but Goku and the others had vanished before he could finish. Thomas looked around at the wreckage. "Okay folks," he announced at last, "if your back hurts try not to move it, oh and if anyone has a mobile could you use it to call an ambulance please." There where a few murmured replies but nothing definitive. Thomas sighed; "I better be getting over time for this!"

* * *

Okay folk's just one chapter to go! Why dose some one always cheer when I say that. Well I have bad news for you because after this I'm going to start writing a bunch of one shots about the HFIL police force, because I have a few ideas for scenes that didn't fit into this plot. So if you have anything you would like to see our heroes get up to let me know. I also have a new Goten and Vegeta in the works. If you like this story and haven't read Goten and Vegeta you should consider it, it's pretty much the same kind of humor so you will probably enjoy it. Anyway I'll update soon so please review. 


	11. Case Closed with a bit of Force

Here it is the final chapter! You can cut the tension with a spoon! If it had a particularly sharp edge. I'm never sure which way round that phrase works… why don't I just stick to writing the story…

* * *

Case Closed, With a Bit of Force

King Cold looked up at Bob, the magnificent Dragon of hell. Well he wasn't really magnificent, more sort of pale and asthmatic, what he looked like wasn't really the point though. The point was what it represented, it was King Cold's ticket out of hell, back to the world of the living, where he could re-establish his empire and return to his life of luxury. All he had to do was make his wish.

"_Cough_ Why do you wake me from my slumber?" demanded Bob followed by, "It better be good."

"Wishes you stupid Lizard!" replied King Cold, angrily "why else would anyone contact you."

"Well I do _cough_ make Balloon Animals," replied Bob in a slightly hurt booming voice. "But I suppose you'll be wanting your wishes really, all three of them."

"Yes, all three," said Cold, menacingly, "Shall we begin?"

"As you wish," said Bob resentfully, "Maybe you'd like some balloon animals later, anyway you may now ask for your three wishes!"

"At last," said King Cold, who had been about to give the dragon a slightly worse aliment then a cough, "My first wish is for…"

"Not so fast!" interrupted a familiar voice. King Cold swung round to find Goku, Freeza and Cell standing behind him.

"Oh that's just perfect!" he thought angrily.

* * *

"Not so fast," shouted Goku as he materialise in the warehouse. King Cold and his swung round, "We have you surrounded," continued Goku, "Step away from the dragon!"

"Do you really need to shout," grumbled Freeza, "he's standing less then 6 feet away."

"Stop me!" laughed King Cold, "You'll have to get past the Ginyu Force first! Attack!" The three remaining members of the Ginyu force posed in preparation for an attack before suddenly thumping each other and falling to the ground. "Why the HFIL did you do that!" demanded King Cold furiously.

"With all due respect sir the fight lasted longer that way," said Burter, before falling unconscious.

"Darn it," cursed King Cold, "you just can't get the staff these days, unless are mind controlled of course!" he pulled a remote out of his pocket, "Broly, see your old friend Kakarot over there? Destroy him and his companions."

"I WILL DESTROY KAKAROT!" declared Broly becoming the Legendary Super Saiyan. Freeza jumped behind Cell and Goku for safety. The two braver, or stupider, police officers powered up to there full power.

"All together now!" declared Goku "Triple Punch!" The three heroes leapt at Brolly to give him one heck of a punch, unfortunately charging at Broly all at once allowed the massive Saiyan to hit all three of them in one punch of his own resulting in a rather messy pile in the corner.

"OW!" exclaimed Cell calmly.

"Has anyone seen my teeth?" asked Freeza, sorely picking himself up.

"That was useless," snapped Goku, "haven't you lot ever fought as a team before?"

"No!" said Cell angrily, "That's why we were such scary villains, because we could kick all your friends by ourselves!"

"That didn't stop Vegeta or Piccolo getting it right the first time we worked together!" declared Goku, "You two are just rubbish fighters."

"Huh I have all your skills," snapped Cell, "so it must be bad training!"

"Don't blame me for the quality of stolen goods," began Goku "I-"

"Move you idiots!" screamed Freeza who had already slipped away. Cell and Goku swung round to see a massive energy ball coming their way! Broly had charged it up while they were arguing. Both Goku and Cell instant- translocated out of the way reappearing next to King Cold. Before they could hit him Broly grabbed them both by the shoulders and threw them through a wall. Freeza tried to attack King Cold himself. He actually landed a few punches, but his father was no push over and thumped Freeza into Broly's waiting hand, who grabbed Freeza round the neck.

"Nice try son," chuckled King Cold, "but as you can see mind controlled Saiyans are much more useful then normal ones. They can be trusted too. Now there's no way you can stop me from making my wish!" He turned round to the Dragon, "Might Dragon Bob! I wish that you would grant me…" he began.

"I wish you would go away!" interrupted Freeza in a hurried voice. King Cold swung round and glared at him with a look of horror.

"That is easily with in my power!" boomed Bob, and with a flash of light the Dragon and the balls were gone!

"Yes! At last I did something right! Ever since Namek everything has gone wrong but now something has gone right!" declared Freeza excitedly, "In your face Dad. Go Freeza, go Freeza, go Freeza! Give me an F!"

King Cold listened too this with a blank expression, no doubt he was calmly contemplating his defeat in a rational and reflective manner, like all villains do. And like all villains he came up with a rational way to deal with his anger.

"Broly, crush his neck!" he order calmly.

"Give me an EEEEEEE" gasped Freeza as the Legendary Super Saiyan went to work. King Cold watched with glee as his son's head went a funny colour leaving us to wonder once again why royals never like their children. Fortunately for Freeza he had back up. Goku suddenly appeared behind Broly and kicked him as hard as he could in the back of the head. Broly let go of Freeza and crashed through one of the few remaining warehouse walls.

"You saved me!" exclaimed Freeza in some shock, "after all the times I tried to kill you and you friends!"

"Well I don't like to see anyone suffer," said Goku modestly.

"Unless it's Gohan being tortured by me," added Cell smugly.

"Hey that plan worked didn't it!" retorted Goku, "Really Cell I think you're obsessed with those Cell games, you should really learn to let go! It can't be healthy."

"Anyway I noticed that you didn't exactly run to my aid," said Freeza angrily.

"Well to be honest," said Cell "I couldn't really care what happens to you two."

"Oh gee thanks," said Goku, "Well at least Freeza's learnt something."

"Yeah," said Freeza, "Not to talk with your back to an enemy who's about to fire!"

The three of them looked up to see another massive energy ball from Broly flying towards them.

"Kamehameha!" shouted Goku and Cell simultaneously. Freeza hesitated for a moment before joining in with his own blast. Three blasts combined and struck Broly's about half way between the two groups. The resulting energy duel swelled to a huge size creating a massive pulsating ball of energy between the two sides.

"I've go an awful feeling dayjarvu," said Cell sounding slightly worried.

"I told you he's obsessed," said Goku struggling slightly, "don't worry, you're as strong as Gohan and Freeza's as strong as Goten so if we give one big push like I did with them it should work out."

"As long as we don't get struck from behind," said Freeza struggling a lot.

"Well who's going to do that?" asked Goku. Suddenly a huge shadow formed above them. Cell Goku and Freeza looked up to see King Cold with a huge death ball.

"I hope you lot are ready to be obliterated!" he declared, "Although I don't know how long you need to prepare to cease to exist! Good bye for all eternity!"

At that moment Broly increased his force pushing our heroes back as King Cold prepared to throw his death Ball.

"Yes this definitely feels very familiar!" said Cell, "I think I'm going to die again."

"Not die," said Freeza, "be obliterated, it's much worse."

"Gee and I had always hoped that I would be able to see some of my friends and family again," said Goku, forcing the last of his energy into the blast. "You know after all the good things I did in my life I thought I might at least get that! But no!" he continued letting his anger carry him forwards, "I get to be obliterated with you two."

"We love you too," snapped Cell and Freeza firing the last of their energy at Broly. Then the closed there eyes and waited for the explosion and the end.

It never came.

Instead there was a large crunch just to their left. This was followed by some voices.

"Dad!" cried Cooler sounding distressed, "the heroes where really rude to me, they said that I had given them salmonella! Then they shouted at me."

"Get off me Cooler!" snapped King Cold, "I don't have time for you now, I'm busy!"

"You always say that!" snapped Cooler, "maybe if you had spent more time with me, you know played baseball once in a while I wouldn't have ended up insan- Ooooh what's this?"

"Don't touch that controller!" ordered King Cold, "you'll ruin everything!"

"Ooops dropped it," exclaimed Cooler apologetically. Suddenly there was a large thud from another direction and Broly's energy beam stopped. Goku, Cell and Freeza's, who had all been leaning hard into their blasts, now had nothing to lean against and fell over as a result. The ki duel broke up sending energy flying into near by warehouses resulting in a large amount of damage to several companies stocks!

"What the heck happened?" asked Freeza sitting up. Goku looked over at Broly's unconscious body in the corner of the room.

"From what I can tell it looks like he punched him self," said Goku, "must have been Cooler's doing with that controller."

"Oh great," said Cell angrily "I've been save by a nutter, that's hardly going to do my credibility any good."

"Not that you had any credibility to begin with," mocked Freeza.

"Well at least it's over now," said Goku lying back down, "and we won, which is all that really matters."

"Want a bet!" growled King Cold storming over, "You may have completely ruined my plans, but I'll still get to destroy you!"

"Oh yeah," said Cell trying to get back to his feat, "I forgot about him." King Cold lowered his figure to point it at Freeza's head, as the exhausted HFILPD tried to regroup.

"So long son," said King Cold, but before he could fire some one hit him hard.

"Leave my son alone you bully," snapped an angry Icea who had just entered the remains of the ware house.

"Honey?" exclaimed King Cold in a voice ladened with false sweetness, "What are you doing here, I thought you where still alive."

"I was until I was murdered for political reasons," said the (former) Queen of the Icea Empire resentfully, "darn plotting nephews. Anyway more to the point why are you trying to obliterate my son!"

"He's just angry at us for trying to arrest him," said Cooler happily, "he's been a bad man and we're police officers so we have to stop him."

"My sons, police officers," said the queen happily, "I've never been so proud."

"I conquered hundreds of planets and you weren't proud," fumed Freeza, "but now I spend my time in grubby law enforcement you are! How does that work!"

"Well it's a noble profession, protecting the riches property and arresting poor members of minorities for no reason," said the Queen nostalgically, causing Goku to cringe, "You should be more supportive," she snapped at King Cold, "encouraging the boys in their new careers."

"But they ruined my escape plan," whined King Cold, "In a really stupid way too. I had every right to be angry."  
"You probably deserved it!" snapped the Queen turning to her youngest son, "did he hurt you," she said giving Freeza a hug, "let me kiss it better."

"MUM!" screamed Freeza struggling out of the hug, "I'm too old for that, and you're embarrassing me in front of Goku!"

"Goku?" exclaimed the Queen, looking around to Goku, "aren't you that Saiyan from Namek?"

"Well I'm from Earth actually," said Goku cheerfully, "but I have been to Namek yes." He offered his hand, "I'm Goku pleased to meet you mam. Might I say-" Unfortunately Goku got no further before he was hit over the head with a handbag.

"How dare you try to kill my son!" she bellowed hitting Goku over the head continuously, "you are nothing but a bully!"

"Please Mam- ow- he was trying to-ow- kill everyone on the pl-ow-net," protested Goku, to polite to fight back, "if you don't-ow- stop I will-ow- be forced-ow- to arrest you."

"Well," said Cell carefully watching the spectacle, "I'm sure you all want to keep this in the family," he quickly picked up Broly and the Ginyu Force, "So I'll just take these guys to jail… Bye." Then he fled.

* * *

"Well Goku I guess we owe you an apology," said King Yemma, "Not that I personal doubted you for a second," he added quickly.

"Don't worry about it King Yemma," replied Goku, who was still nursing his handbag wounds, "Anyone could have made that mistake. King Cold was being quite clever really, but we got him in the end."

"Once again we are in your debt, Goku," said King Yemma, "You saved Saichourou and restored order in Hell. You're going to get extra perks for this. How about a day to visit your family sometime soon."

"Thanks that would be great," said Goku, "but I can't really take all the credit (for once). With out Cell, Freeza and Cooler this case would have never been solved and I would still be in jail, or worse obliterated."

"Yes I guess we better give credit where credit is due," said King Yemma grudgingly, "Cell, Freeza and Cooler shall all be rewarded too. How about we let you three off your community service early?" he suggested eagerly, "I know how much you hated it."

"Well actually," said Freeza carefully, "I'd like to stay on. It's the first thing that I've ever done that makes my Mum proud of me and it drives Dad nuts, which makes it good on two accounts."

"Mummies boy," muttered Cell, Freeza ignored him.

"I'd like to stay on too," beamed Cooler, "because I Love the shiny badges!" he finished staring at his own reflection in his badge and laughing.

"Well if they want to stay on," said Goku, "I'd be happy to carry on working with them."

"Very well then," said King Yemma making notes in his book, "and how about you Cell?" Cell thought carefully for along time before replying.

"You know what I think of you guys," he said warmly, "you're the first people I've ever worked with, who have ever been nice to me! And it's for that very reason that I say you can take that job and shove it where the sun don't shine! I'm off!" and laughing like a maniac he turned to flee.

"Very well Cell," said King Yemma, "We'll see you in the community service office tomorrow at 10 am."

"What?" exclaimed Cell, "you said that you would let us off for restoring order in Hell!"

"Yes," agreed Yemma, "we let you off the community service for trying to escape from Hell. You still have to serve your sentence for driving with out a license. Remember?"

"Oh Crap!" snapped Cell.

"Well the rest of you are dismissed," said King Yemma, "Oh I do have your next investigation, there was a nasty train crash yesterday and I want to know who did it."

"You can count on us!" declared Goku.

"Choo-Choo," added Cooler helpfully. They turned to leave walking past the bewildered Cell.

"I'll put the kettle on for you in a week," said Freeza smugly, before hurrying off back to Hell.

* * *

Summing Up (they used to do this in cop shows)

King Cold was sentenced to three hundred million years in prison for Kidnapping, resisting arrest and trying to escape from hell. He served only 3 months of this due to a Home Office error and is currently on the loose.

The Ginyu Force, Broly and Turles were sentence to 700 years in prison for there part in King Cold's plot. In addition Jheese was also found guilty of causing a train crash from the testimony of Thomas the Tank Engine who was a really useful witness.

Goku choose to go back to earth to fight in the 25th Tenka'ichi Budôkai. I think we all know what happened next.

Cooler was banned from ever cooking again after the massive food poisoning that resulted from his catering. His friends and family were delighted with the courts decision.

Cell was given the option of doing another round of community service with the HIFLPD or becoming a sewer cleaner. After being severely mauled by a mutant rat he returned to the police force.

Mg34 was arrested and sentenced to life in a hard labour camp for plagiarism; however it is believed that he may continue to operate from behind bars.

**The End**

Okay folks that's another story down, (hope you enjoyed it). Anyway all that's left for me to do is thank my brother for proof reading this story, J.S., Scan, aqusage (who I used a suggestion from in this chapter), Akaida-Felinjin, Happyface101, katanbuilder3, Kinoha, ben, CB, coumarin-chan, ghostdude, Evil-Luna, Trauma-sama and SuperSanne for reviewing. Akira Toriyama for creating Dragonball Z, the Rev. W. V. Awdry for creating Thomas the Tank Engine and everyone who has read this story, I'm sure you know who you are.

Please don't forget to review and let me know what you think of the stories mentioned at the end of the last chapter, Thanks for reading and I hope to be back in a week or two, or three, or…


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